Loosing hope...

About this cycle that is. The flu was that 24hr one that went around and I feel better now.

But I got my progesterone results (7DPIUI) and it was 6..... fucking 6!!!

Last cycle it was at 24, what happened?

I have no hope for this cycle working (again) and it looks like the next time we do a treatment cycle I will need to be on vaginal suppositories. Sexy.

Frecking kids...

Got me sick!!!

I woke up this morning with the flu! UGH!!!

Nausea and stomach aches.... fun!

I opened my big fat mouth too soon saying that I missed them!

Work...

I went back to work today after having a month off... I couldn't believe how much I missed my kids!!!!

Even though they are the biggest handful EVER... I was so excited to see them!!!

I'm tired as hell, and still need to work out, shower and lesson plan, but it feels good to be back at work (and getting paid!!)

The only thing that worries me is, right now (and forever when I have a job) DH and I will be on completely opposite work schedules. I'm worried that the months that we take off from treatment (if this cycle doesn't work) we will have no chance at getting pregnant... unless I O on the weekend.

SHE'S PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?

So... We know this couple... the first time we met them was about a year ago at a party, where he got drunk and she threw her wedding ring in a parking lot (and never found it!). Then they got into it again at another party we were both at. They are close with another couple we know, so we hear about their crazy lives (I love hearing, insetad of living it)

So... we hear about their lives second hand through the other couple... but if I have everything straight... in their relationship exists; jealousy, instability, substance abuse, one kid from a previous marriage, and one together, a roomate to help pay the rent, a mother to buy them their groceries, a govermnent to provide assistance, and general stupidity.

And she announces that they are having another baby.

Not.Fair.Period.

Better...

IUI #2 went great!!!

We had a 90% Motility and 17 million!!!!

WHOOT WHOOT!!

The IUI was still a little not fun... but nothing like it was last cycle! YEAH!!!

I had some serious O pains on the left before the appointment and the rest of the day.

After the hormones, the cramping, the bloating, the O pains... I was not feeling that great. So after the IUI DH went to work and I drove home and did homework.

All is better now!!! I just have to wait........

My hopes are very high this month... possible even more than last cycle because my lining was at 10 and we had 17 million swimmers with 90% motility! Oh yeah baby!!!

Abortions...

Apparently, according to many women, being on The Pill or hormonal birth control is the same as an abortion.

WTF?!?!

Because the pill thins the uterine lining to make it difficult/impossible, *if* you did manage to get a sperm up the extremely thick cervical fluid to the egg that *may* be there and they *did* meet... there would be no place for the *baby* to implant.

Uhhhh...no. But whatever... moving on.

Self doubt...

Right now I am seriously doubting my desire to have a baby, or be a mother at all. I think that it's weird that I would feel this way after all the TTTC we have been through(and are still going through) but I am.

Honest.

I wonder if I will be able... willing... to give up everything. I don't consider myself an overly selfish person (just the normal amount) but I am wondering if I will be able to do it.

I watched my godchildren today (boy 4, girl 1) and it got me thinking.

Am I really ready for this? Will I ever be ready for this? Is this what I really want?