Stolen from somewhere...

THINGS TO SAY (AND NOT TO SAY) TO AN INFERTILE COUPLE
BY SARAH KELLY


So I've about had it with people giving me crap advice, a hard time and just not being sensitive at all to fertility issues. So I thought I would compile a list of crap advice I have been given, tell you WHY it's crap and pass along some alternatives in case you would ever need it...

1) "Just relax and it will happen." or "Maybe you're trying to hard." or "Maybe you guys should just get drunk and take a vacation, that's how it happened for my aunt/cousin/friend." Those statements SUCK and are very hurtful.

No amount of relaxing would have gotten me or the millions of other couples who suffer with fertility issues pregnant. If you have PCOS, no amount of relaxation will help you ovulate. If you have male factor fertility issues, no vacation will help you produce better quality sperm.
I could have been put in a semi vegetative state by my doctor and had my DH drink a case of beer but we STILL wouldn't have gotten pregnant. You can't believe how many times I have heard these things. All they did was make me feel guilty. They made me think, "hey maybe I am trying to hard, maybe I am doing something wrong." I charted, I didn't chart, I drank, I didn't drink, I relaxed, I seduced, I sat with my legs up, I pretended like we weren't trying, I tried to forget, I got involved with other things to take my mind off of it. Ends up, we have no sperm. All I did was feel guilty for a year because people kept telling me how I should just relax and it would happen.

A more appropriate response would be something like, "Wow that's really awful you're having such a hard time." or "I hope things turn around for you quickly." or even just "Geesh (insert friends name) that really sucks, you don't deserve that at all."

2) Do not bring GOD into it no matter how harmless you think your statement is or how strong your faith in God is.

Do not say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "God has a plan, you have to be patient" or "God never gives you more than you can handle." Although you really do have GREAT intentions and are really trying to justify or make sense of something that doesn't make sense these statements are hurtful and frustrating.

Not everybody is on the same page with God as you are. Believe it or not, fertility issues can even shake a persons faith.

I, for one, don't think God dictates to me WHEN we should have children (which is what one friend implied to me, that I have to be patient, it will happen in God's time). I believe God allows me and my husband to chose when it right for us to start a family. If God makes all the decisions, calls all the shots then what is our part? And what makes YOU the expert on what God is doing up there? See, we're on different pages here.

If you do have a strong faith in God then that is wonderful. Alternatives to the above mentioned could be something like "I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I will pray for you." or "That must be so hard to go through, I will pray for strength for you and your husband." or "I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers." Basically pray for me, say prayers, offer prayers, but never try to predict what God is planning for me.

3) Be encouraging without direct comparisons. I have had numerous people say things like "yeah my cousin had problems too, they gave her clomid and boom she was pregnant 3 cycles later. It'll happen for you." Well since I am ovulating just fine I don't think clomid will do anything at all.
Another helpful soul said "hey look at so and so, it took them 6 years and then all the sudden BAM they were pregnant!" How is THAT helpful? 6 years and BAM? I don't want to wait 6 years, ...did you when you were having a kid?

Another useless comment is "well if you can't there are always other alternatives" HELLO? I just shared with you that we're having difficulties, I can't even wrap my head around other alternatives right now, let alone the fact that I WANT MY HUSBANDS CHILD!

Some alternatives to these phrases would be "That's really bad news but they are making leaps and bounds in medicine these days, hopefully there is something out there that can help you guys." or "I'm sorry to hear, I know how badly you want to be parents. I'll be here to listen any time you need to talk." Anything that encourages without direct comparison to other couples is great.

4)Do not ever try to tell me I should be thankful for what I have and to count my blessings. This goes back to #2 and the God issue. Just because I am telling you I am infertile or what I am going though does not mean I am not thankful for what I have, to say such a thing is insulting. When you hear your best friends dad has cancer do you say "oh that's too bad, but look at how much other stuff you have?" NO, so don't do it to somebody who just found out her lifelong dream of becoming a mother may not ever happen for her.

One friend went so far as to tell me maybe I should concentrate on being a good mom to Scooter, my dog, and not worry about kids. Yes, because a dog is EXACTLY like having a kid. Granted I LOVE my dog, it's not quite the same as raising a child and to insinuate that is nuts.
Alternatives to these types of statements are simple things like "I'm sorry, I know there isn't anything I can do, but just know I am here."

5) Do not say you know how I feel if you have not had fertility issues yourself, because honestly, you don't know how I feel. And REALLY don't say that if you already have kids. Comparing this disappointment to any other disappointment in life is not justified.
I used to think I could really sympathize with women who couldn't have kids. I honestly thought I could feel a little bit of what they were going through. I could IMAGINE how hard it would be to deal with that... Then I actually lived it.

I will tell you it was NOTHING like I thought it would feel like. It is indescribable and unimaginable. I had NO IDEA what it felt like until I heard those words from the doctor. As heartfelt as I thought I was being before, living through it made me realize how little I actually could relate.

I don't mean you have to walk on eggshells with me or other infertile women. But really think before you say anything and if you are even in doubt a simple "I'm sorry" is so much better and often times much more welcome.