Friday, May 30, 2008

Thank you Sex...

And the City for furthering the myth that "If you just stop thinking about trying to get pregnant" or "adopt" that you will miraculously pop up a baby bump.

While I LOVED the show on HBO... I have to give the big middle finger and a VERY loud FUCK YOU to the writers on that one!

Do a little research on the topic here... c'mon people!! While entertainment these days seems to think that IF is a great story line... their accuracy is appalling!!

Makes me think back to Chandler and Monica on Friends.... they had the same DX that Trey and Charlotte had (they never said anything about Harry).... "lazy boys and an inhospitable uterus".... FINE!!! While I understand that the show is for comic effect with a hint of drama/reality.... I still like the way that friends did it BETTER!!!

Chandler said that they could keep trying, but that there was a very good chance that it would never happen for them and they should look to adopt. I may be giving the writers too much credit here (because the show ended the episode they got their babies)... they could have still fumbled the IF ball....

I have to CRINGE when I see things like the Sex and the City movie, a highly anticipated and watched movie, give the impression that infertility is solely the cause of the woman thinking about getting pregnant too much. That it was all her fault because she wanted it too bad... or that she stressed herself out over it so much...

The next thing you know they are going to be telling people to take a vacation.... OH! WAIT... they already do that!

Monday, May 26, 2008


So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile? (author unknown)

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So... when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!" Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun...Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent.

And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.

This may all sound strange, or like second nature to some of you... You can laugh, but we have heard it all. (Thanks BadaBing!!)

Bitter Sweet...

Oh... everyone on my boards is PG!! WTF?!?!

Did the stork fly by and miss my house?!?!? Did Santa say that I had bad cookies or something?!?! Was the tooth-fairy mad about that cavity when I was seven?!?!?

Why oh why... must I be so jealous of others getting pregnant.... oh yeah... it's because I'm not.

While I am so very happy that my fellow nesties are living their dream and are pregnant, I feel once again that they are winning while I'm not even in the race.

Well... if I'm not getting pregnant, at least someone who has worked so hard and deserves it so much is. Congratulations.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: just relax and you’ll get pregnant, or adopt and you’ll get pregnant, of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan; maybe God never meant for you to have children. The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life? It’s hard to understand that people cannot see infertility for what it is; a disease for which I have to seek treatment.What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God’s plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled. I’ve gained more compassion, deeper courage, greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven’t let him down.
Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice; I’ll say “Don’t tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know.”
(Thanks MrsMeyer9206!)

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Some good news...

Well... I *think* that there may be some good news for my DH, me and our TTC plans!!!

It looks like my DH's feet are responding to the treatment that he is taking!!! They are less swollen and are just sore instead of painful!! This is all very good news because he has only been on the antiinflammatory for 5 days and has only taken one shot of the Enbral!!!


I hope that after a few more shots the feet are back to normal and we can get back to TTC and our IF testing soon!!

Even if he only completes one month of the stuff... we will still be TTA this month, and then possible 2 more (3 total for this reason-6 total for other reasons).

While being in the middle of this sucks.... the future is looking up!!

Saturday, May 17, 2008


After careful consideration of my DH's treatment, we have made the decision to TTA until the medicine that he is taking is our of his system. Enbral lowers count and motility and is similar to Methotrexate, so we will not be TTCing because.... it's pointless. In addition we will TTA until all the drugs are out of his system (21 days for the Enbral) and then the additional 70 days or so... just to be safe. That's about 90 days/3 months after his last injection... and at this point who knows when that will be. Right now he is on one month of treatment, it may be longer.

None of the DRs we talked to could tell us anything about published studies on birth defects caused by the drug (it's only been on the market for 10 years now). Because it is like other drugs that are known to cause birth defects DH and I are not willing to take that risk.\

Depending on treatment length and success, we may need to re-evaluate our TTC plans... but as it stands now, September will be our 1st healthy and best choice to TTC again...

Did I say July?!?!....September... here I come!!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


We have hit another roadblock in our TTC journey... My DH has been having some very severe foot pain in the past three weeks. His feet are feeling like the bones are fusing together, they are swollen, and he can't move his toes and walking is extremely pain full.

His first DR said that he had Metasaralga (pain of the metasargal region of the foot) and gave him Motrin and told him to elevate, ice and rest them. A week later he saw an Osteo DR who took X-rays to see if he has anything broken (Nada) and he thought that he may have rhumatoid arthritis. He ran blood tests, and they just came back saying that there was inflammation (duh!) But, he gave him Hydrocodone for the pain, Ceflexin antibiotics and Prednizone steroids to see if that would help. It seemed that the swelling was actually getting worse.

Today we saw the Rhumatologist (someone who studies 'rhumes' according to DH, LOL!) She asked a million questions and she has come to the conclusion that he has Inflamitory Arthritis (pain due to inflammation). She said that this is caused my some minor infection in the body (possible one that he didn't even know about) and it caused his immune system to head into overdrive and trying to remove the infection. The immune system is causing the inflamation to remove the now, nonexistent infection and wreaking havoc on his feet.

While having my husband in pain for the past three weeks has been difficult, the treatment options are not fun either. I want him to get better because right now, he has to stay home from work and can't do much (your feet are kinda vital). I want life to go back to normal and get back to making a baby!

One treatment option can take 6-8 weeks to work, and has huge side effects including lowering sperm motility, the DR doesn't want to do that, besides the fact that we are TTC. The second option is another slow-acting treatment that he could take, but that means that we have to TTA until at least three months after he has finished taking the prescription because it causes birth defects(not good either). The third treatment option (the one the DR is pushing) is injections once a week.... great.... my husband is deathly afraid of needles and he has to stick himself one ca week....ugh...

I have put a call in to the RE, asking about all the drugs that he has been, and will be on. I want to know what she has to say as far as TTC and all these variables. I have to get my HSG this next cycle (in about 2 weeks) and DH has his SA on the same day (just about 2 months after starting his MFI vitamins). I need to know if continuing with testing is a good idea. If we have to TTA for months on end... I would like to know that before I get my uterus filled with die, and subject my husband to 'the cup'...

I am also terrified that his feet will never get better... I promised ' for better, or worse, in sickness and in health' but I worry that my children won't get to experience their father the way I want them to... He won't be able to carry the baby upstairs, or run along their bikes after taking off the training wheels, or going to Disneyland... because his feet hurt so bad.

Most of all I am sooooo MAD!!! I'm mad that a year into our marriage we are having such bad things happening!! We can't seem to get pregnant and while I have time, I'm still impatient. I'm mad that at 31 my husband may be resigned to a wheelchair because of the pain. I'm mad that people keep telling me that "It's GOD's plan"... because I'm not pregnant... because he knew that he was going to give my husband debilitating pain?!?! I'm mad that there is no 'right' answer in all of this... I'm mad that our lives have stoped... we don't know where to go.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The "M" word...

In this case it's for "mother" as in Mothers Day... I guess it's Mothers Day right now... it is after midnight. It's a sad day for those of us that are TTC or struggling with IF... It's a cross-cultural reminder that we are in fact... not a mother. For many of us we could say that we are not mothers today... but we will be soon! Yet the fear of IF is at it's peak on this day, when we should be our reminding our own moms that they are the best and that we are eternally thankful for them, we can't. Our own desire to have a child of our own taxes our thoughts today.

The sadness grows in our hearts and as we look around us we are reminded that we are in fact not a mother, and some of us may never be... While "there is always adoption" resonates through are thoughts... that is not a guarantee. And besides... we want to watch our belly grow, we want to feel our baby move and kick inside us, we want to experience breastfeeding... all the things that the "typical" mother gets to experience...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

For My PL Girls...

In honor of Mothers Day tomorrow... I wanted to have this posted to remind all of you that you are not alone. In particular this post is dedicated to two women... I love you both!

"There are always two pregnancies...the one in your body which may have been flawed, and the one in your mind, which was perfect." family member of someone on PL- I borrowed it from a Nestie's Bio

I was once a member of the Pregnancy Club, my membership card consisting of two pink lines on a stick. I was eager to pay my dues, just like all the other members. Morning sickness, stretch marks, cravings -- I welcomed them all.

But they never came. And before I knew it, my membership was revoked. No real reason -- at least none I could discern -- other than bad timing, perhaps. Or, at least, that's what everyone's been telling me. That and "God's plan."

Miscarriage is a terrible word. As if one has dropped something, or carried something incorrectly. Similar to "mistake" or "misunderstanding." How I longed for it to be either of those things when I learned my baby was gone. Surely, it was a mistake, I prayed. If they would just look again, they would learn it was all a simple misunderstanding.

But the ultrasound screen showed otherwise.

1 out of every 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, say the books. That statistic terrified me when I was pregnant. So many lost babies, I thought. How can I keep mine from being one of them? But now that mine is one of them, that 1 out of 5 seems awfully small.

Or, at least, it did. Until soft-speaking female voices started whispering to me in my grief, "It happened to me, too." Their eyes told me the stories of the pain that we shared, the pain that only a woman who has carried a child - and lost it - could know. For some, it was fresh pain. For others, it was dulled by healthy babies since born.

A sisterhood of sadness.

It's a silent group, this new club of which I have recently become a reluctant member. Our membership cards are the scars we will always carry on our hearts. Our dues are paid in blood and tears. It is a painful initiation, and one never ceases membership. Because one never forgets.
I am joining, not because I want to, but because I wasn't given the choice. But at least I know I'm not alone. At least I know there are hundreds of thousands of women with me, however silent and invisible, quietly holding my hand

What Nobody told me...

About trying to conceive

-That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
-That my sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
-That the longer I try to conceive, the more pregnant women spring up around me.
-That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
-That one day I wouldn't mind checking my cervical fluid or cervix position to see if it is my fertile period.
-That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research up to now just to figure out what was wrong with me, and now I might as well be an M.D.
-That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
-That living my life in 2 week increments would be the normal thing to do.
-That I never knew how much I wanted to see those 2 pink lines...until only one shows up every month.
-That simply relaxing will NOT get me pregnant.
-That I have no control over some of the goals I set...
-That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at my BBT chart doesn't make it change!
-That one day my husband would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside.
-That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby.
-That miscarriage is so common.
-That I would wish we had started trying to conceive earlier.
-That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
-That it wouldn't happen the first time I didn't use birth control like I was led to believe in school.
-That I wouldn't know how important a baby was to me until it took so long, and I realized what I was willing to go through to make it happen. -That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pregnant "wins".
-That my husband is the most wonderful and caring man!
-That it is insensitive to ask people when they are going to try having a baby! They might be trying and having difficulties just like me!
-That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
-That I could have been rich by saving the money I spent on condoms/birth control pills, which were obviously unnecessary.
-That I would be happy to see abundant cervical fluid and tell my husband about it.
-That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
-That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in Florida by now.
-That having my period show up would make me cry, no matter whose bathroom I was in.
-That it does not get easier ... each cycle is harder than the last.
-That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
**-That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to trying to conceive.
**-That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an home pregnancy test in the hopes that there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
-That talking about sex with fellow women who are trying to conceive would be so easy.
-That one day all of this will make me stronger.
-That I would have NO TOLERANCE for pregnant women's complaints about morning sickness, weight gain, etc...-That no one I know would have any understanding as to how I feel.
-That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
-That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
-That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnancies, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnancies.
-That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at trying to conceive.
-That some people just say the wrong things.
-That I would be so sad and ashamed.
-That when my period shows up I would feel broken and dysfunctional.
-That my friendship with my real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
-That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through.
-That I HAVE to have sex even though I don't feel like it, but because my fertility monitor says HIGH or PEAK.
-That people would pity me and feel sorry for me.
**-That I would meet such a wonderful group of people online, that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
**-That I would feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
-That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so badly.

Monday, May 5, 2008

A drop in the bucket.....

Well.... I know that kids are expensive.... but I never knew that getting PG would be that way too!!

I have re-stocked up on my EPO/Green Tea/Mucinex/PNVs and all the MFI vitamins for DH, a new box of CBEFM sticks and yet another box of Preseed.

That adds another $200 to out TTC costs, not including the gas to get to the RE, the co-pays for the office visits and the prescriptions.

The Conception Chronicles and The Unofficial Guide to Getting Pregnant took some cash, but Amazon helped there.... only about $20 for the two of them.

I just wish that there was a way to let all this go and "try" the natural way.... but I keep wondering.... If I don't do all that I can to get PG... am I doing enough?