Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Risk...

There are things in life that carry a certain ammount of risk; skydiving, IV drugs, not wearing a seatbelt... I didn't think that pregnancy was as risky as I'm now being told!

Apparently, even with my age(25), my baby has a high enough risk for Trisomy 18&21(Downs)- even after NO family history of ANY chromosonal abnormalities. My OB is having me come in for a NT scan (something I had put out of my mind, after my genetic counseling).

While I'm excited to have another u/s to see the baby, I ALREADY had one scheduled for that morning because of the bleeding from a week ago, so now I have two... fun.

Monday, December 29, 2008

12 weeks...




As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed.

Monday, December 22, 2008

11 weeks...





Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Bleeding...

and it was a lot!

I went to the bathroom and didn't notice anything in my pants, but when I wiped, there it was. A LOT of bright red blood!

OH GOD!!!

I called DH from down stairs and he came running up, called the nurse (THAT was a waste!!)

We went to the urgent care, after DH drove like 90mph and the got us in a room after I "donated urine"

That was another scary part.... I went to the bathroom again, and there was blood clots on the paper and in the toilet.

The physician's assistant did a pelvic and noticed that the bleeding ahd stooped and that there was just a small amount of brown discharge. They called the OB that was on-call and she came down.

The u/s showed a VERY active baby! Flipping around and moving it's arms and legs wildly!

::huge sigh of relief:: DH and I got to see that, the HB, then hear the HB- it was great!!

The OB says that we can't have sex for two weeks (and even before that DH said that if everything was fine with the baby, that we wouldn't have sex at all) in addition to no sex, she said that I shouldn't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk, and to drink lots of water and everything should be fine!

Oh, thank God!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Bleh...

Well... here is something other than a picture- I don't feel much like blogging lately, just feel sick.

Got a letter from my OB stating that because of my severe M/S that he ran my blood for a few things and that all the vomiting damaged my liver, but that with the help of the Zofran, it will stop when the puking does.

The other day I was playing the PS3 with DH and I knew that all the motions would make me sick, but it was real bad when I tried to play. Goodbye dinner!

The OB also said that I have something in my stomach that is found in women with severe M/S, but that it's not the cause of the M/S, just a correlation. I need to take meds to get rid of, whatever it is, but can't because I'm pregnant. So after delivery I need to have an endoscope/biopsy of my stomach. FUN!.

DH said to me today that he noticed all the weight I lost before the Zofran, and that it's good that it's slowing down (more for his baby, and less for his wife's waistline! LOL!!!) I have another appt on Tuesday and we will see how much more has come off.

I'm scared to loose too much weight (I'm not a skinny bitch or anything) but I don't want to have to admit how little I can eat, to my OB. I'm sure that he will yell at me, and I know that the baby needs good nutrition, but I just can't stomach many things these days. BLEH!

I asked the OB about how long you should go w/o a poop, and if I was having a NT scan, but they never called me back. Oh well... I guess I will find out on Tuesday.

Monday, December 15, 2008

10 weeks...





With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

9 weeks...




Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

Yeah... it's a day late... but oh well!! It's here!

Friday, December 5, 2008

MULITPLE BLES8INGS...

Written by the Gosselins from John and Kate +8.

I picked it up yesterday and am loving it so far!!! There were these two passages in particular that got my attention.

The first one was after they had done their IUI to get pregnant with the twins;

"I did my test, and then, still groggy plopped back into my warm bed. It was extremely unusual that I did not camp out in that small, cold bathroom, hovering and pacing, waiting as the minutes ticked by until, as so many times before, I would read the dreaded results.

I couldn't believe my eyes! Could it really be pink? I thought that maybe the glare of the florescent lighting was playing tricks on me, so I took the test over to the early morning natural light by the bathroom window. It still looked pink!

Not knowing whether to scream, cry, or pinch myself in case I was dreaming, I ran over and shook John. 'John, John! Wake up! Does this look pink to you?' I'm pretty sure a normal mad shaken awake by his dear sweet wife who was shoving a urine-christened plastic stick under his nose at 5:30 in the morning and demanding a color analysis would probable have a few choice words to say. Not John. He jumped out of bed and threw on the closest light for a closer examination of the now holy stick."


That all makes me think about mine and DH's experience with our 1st BFP.

The next part of the book that struck me, was during Kate's first trimester when her "morning sickness" started(particularly because I had already said these words to DH a week ago)

"While I would love to say I tackled this test with the fierceness of a prize boxer in his championship bout, unfortunately that just wasn't the case. I felt that I had paid my dues already in the effort to get pregnant. Did I need to suffer again? This wasn't fair. I didn't want to have to suffer this debilitating nausea that consumed my every waking moment.

I quickly spiraled into a complaining and whining kid, calling my mother every single day to whimper and cry. Eventually, it became necessary for the doctor to prescribe Zofran, which is given to treat severe cases of morning sickness".

Monday, December 1, 2008

8 weeks...






Your baby is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

I had my 1st OB appointment today!!! It was good!!! The DR is so nice!!! He gave me some Zofran for the morning sickness (and offered me an IV with fluids and meds) he also told me that if it gets any worse to go straight to the ER.

He tested my Progesterone level, because I'm on the suppositories. My level was twice what it once was (39/65) turns out that 200 mg 2X a day is too much at this point, so I am taking it only once a day (and at night to help the nausea).

He seems to think that after two weeks, when I stop the progesterone, the morning sickness will go away somewhat, then taper off till 13 weeks.

I have my RN prenatal intake appointment on 12/23 where they input all my family history and everything, then they will schedule my next appt.

I have a picture of the little monkey in there!!! I will try to get my scanner to work so I can put it on here!!! DH and I think it looks like a unicorn!! LOL!!! We could see the placenta and the umbilical cord, but the baby wasn't in a great position to see too well : (

The OB was a little weird when I said I was an IF patient... he was like "Oh!... How many are in there?!?!?!" and when I said just one, he said "well... you dodged a bullet!!"

I don't think of it that way... I had a good and ethical RE and had like 6 ultrasounds to make sure that I didn't overstim... I guess that the "you take IF meds and you get multiples" thought is really tough to escape.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Relief...




These are some of the things that ease the morning sickness and headaches... in addition to the Preggie Pops and the Sea Band.

Honestly...

So far... I HATE feeling like shit, instead of feeling happy/pregnant!!!!

I KNOW that we tired really hard for this... but I am having a very hard time sharing my body with a blueberry that insists on causing my uterus to cramp, and make me want to VOMIT all over myself... all the time.

I KNOW that once all the 1st tri side-effects wear off and I actually feel pregnant (and everyone knows that I am) I will LOVE being pregnant... and then the 3rd tri comes along with all it's jewels(but you feel pregnant).

But... right now... the side effects are KILLING me!!!

Side effects to date;
Headache
Morning Sickness
Cramping
Gas
Bloating
Constipation
Food aversions
No sex drive (at all)

Monday, November 24, 2008

7 weeks...




Baby's brain -- both hemispheres! -- is growing fast, generating about 100 new cells every minute. Arms and legs are emerging as joints start to form, and a permanent set of kidneys (baby's third!) is now in place.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Heartbeat...

We saw it!!!

It looked like a teeny blob with a flicker!!! COOL!!!

(Will post picture later)

Monday, November 17, 2008

6 weeks...





Growing like crazy, baby is starting to sprout eyes, ears, nose, cheeks and chin. Those little hands and feet- still webbed like paddles- might wiggle by week's end, the heart is beating (almost twice as fast as yours!), and blood is starting to circulate.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Gestational Sac...

We saw it! Right in the uterus like it should be and there was only one!

They said that next week we will see the heart beat and that has me completely terrified! What if it isn't there?!?!

Dh and I already talked about not freaking out over it, but still.

So for now, I'm still carrying one perfectly healthy baby!!!

5 weeks, 5 days pregnant.

Friday, November 14, 2008

He's gone...

My grandpa passed away at 1am last night.

I wish him a speedy trip to heaven, and hope that he finds comfort there.

On a more selfish note, I am hoping that with his passing, that tomorrows appointment brings us good news.

::Jedie... if you can hear me up there.... please put in a good word for me and the baby... and say 'hi' to Nannie for me too! Love you!::

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Almost time...

To say "goodbye"

Back in July I posted that my grandpa was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and it's almost over.

I can't believe it. This man fought in WWII, he has a tattoo on his arm that says "badass" in Serbian, he worked in the steel mines in Pennsylvania and survived TWO floods.

And he is dying.

While I'm more ready for this... my dad and sisters are not (grandpa lives with them). They haven't done the slow death thing and watched someone suffer like I have, and I wish that it wasn't this way.

My dad is taking it very hard... he doesn't cry or say anything, but I was in the garage (the man cave) and I noticed that the workbench was spotless-atypical for dad. Apparently he is staying up all night and cleaning, as a way to cope.

I just wish that I could have gotten pregnant earlier so he could have been around to see his great-grandchild. I know that I have nothing to do with it, but I wish that it could have somehow been better.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Appointments...

They are all scheduled!!

1st RE u/s is Saturday 11/15 @ 5 weeks 5 days
2nd u/s 11/22 @ 6 weeks
3rd u/s 12/6 @ 8 weeks

Then, in between I have my 1st OB appointment on 12/1


5 weeks, 1 day pregnant.

PLEASE, PLEASE baby grow and be healthy!!!!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Beta #3...

582.8

So it went up 80%!!! While I'm not as excited as I would have been if it had more than doubled... it's still a good number! I keep forgetting that it doubles between 48-72 hrs

#1-147

#2-323.5 120% gain and 46 hr double time

#3-582.8 80% gain and 56 hr double time

Overall 200% gain.

Over the last 5 days I had the expected results, but wish that the 3rd beta would have at least come in at a 100% increase. Oh well! I'm thankful that it went up so high!! But still a little worried : /

I will have my first u/s later in the week.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Beta #2...

323.5!!!

It more than doubled!! YEAH!!!!

Now I need to have #3 done tomorrow and we are hoping for around 650!!!!

If things keep going as planned ::please, please, please:: I should be able to get an u/s late next week!!! WHOOOO!!!

4weeks 5 days

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Beta #1...

147 @ 15DPIUI

FINALLY!!!

That took FOREVER!!!!! They said that it was a good number and to come in and have the blood drawn again tomorrow (Friday)

4wks 4 days KU!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Waiting...

I am still waiting for it.... They said it should be ready by 7pm.... well it should be! They did the draw at 7 am! UGH!!

I also need to STEEP AWAY FROM THE HPTs!!!! I keep taking them and FREAKING out when the test line takes like 3 minutes to get dark. I was reading on another girl's blog about how her last test line came up fast and dark, even before the control... and that has me so nervous!

My line is almost not there when I pee. It gives a hint of a shadow in the 1st minute, and then by the 3rd minute is there (but not darker than the control)

I just need my blood tests... just give me a number! I want to visualize it doubling and the baby being healthy~!

::patience...patience::

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Knocked Up...



This was taken this morning at 14DPIUI. I can't call the RE yet because they say that you HAVE to wait till 16 before they will do a beta.

So on Thursday I will be calling them in the AM!!! And unill then... peeing on all the sticks I can find!

STICK MONKEY! STICK MONKEY!!!

We are cautiously optimistic about this!!! If you know me in real life and read this blog, please don't tell anyone about this! I have tried so hard and waited to do the honors myself! THANKS!!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

You're Fired...

Well.. I was... on Friday.

Can't really tell you why... because I don't actually know/understand.

All I know is that the last 13 weeks working with these 2nd graders was a total waste and I have to find another student teaching position and start all over.

I may have to pay the university again, and wait till January to begin... again.

I'm so embarrassed, and upset.

BUT!.... If I get a BFP soon... all will be forgotten!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Progesterone...

Well... leave it to my DH (GOD! I love him!!) to ask;

"Well, can't you call the RE and get the progesterone NOW instead of waiting till next treatment cycle?"

I guess so!

I called and go the prescription and have started using them-YUCK!

But, hey... if it works... I'll do it!

I have regained some hope for this cycle now that I'm on the suppositories! 16DPIUI... here I come!!!

Loosing hope...

About this cycle that is. The flu was that 24hr one that went around and I feel better now.

But I got my progesterone results (7DPIUI) and it was 6..... fucking 6!!!

Last cycle it was at 24, what happened?

I have no hope for this cycle working (again) and it looks like the next time we do a treatment cycle I will need to be on vaginal suppositories. Sexy.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Frecking kids...

Got me sick!!!

I woke up this morning with the flu! UGH!!!

Nausea and stomach aches.... fun!

I opened my big fat mouth too soon saying that I missed them!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Work...

I went back to work today after having a month off... I couldn't believe how much I missed my kids!!!!

Even though they are the biggest handful EVER... I was so excited to see them!!!

I'm tired as hell, and still need to work out, shower and lesson plan, but it feels good to be back at work (and getting paid!!)

The only thing that worries me is, right now (and forever when I have a job) DH and I will be on completely opposite work schedules. I'm worried that the months that we take off from treatment (if this cycle doesn't work) we will have no chance at getting pregnant... unless I O on the weekend.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

SHE'S PREGNANT?!?!?!?!?

So... We know this couple... the first time we met them was about a year ago at a party, where he got drunk and she threw her wedding ring in a parking lot (and never found it!). Then they got into it again at another party we were both at. They are close with another couple we know, so we hear about their crazy lives (I love hearing, insetad of living it)

So... we hear about their lives second hand through the other couple... but if I have everything straight... in their relationship exists; jealousy, instability, substance abuse, one kid from a previous marriage, and one together, a roomate to help pay the rent, a mother to buy them their groceries, a govermnent to provide assistance, and general stupidity.

And she announces that they are having another baby.

Not.Fair.Period.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Better...

IUI #2 went great!!!

We had a 90% Motility and 17 million!!!!

WHOOT WHOOT!!

The IUI was still a little not fun... but nothing like it was last cycle! YEAH!!!

I had some serious O pains on the left before the appointment and the rest of the day.

After the hormones, the cramping, the bloating, the O pains... I was not feeling that great. So after the IUI DH went to work and I drove home and did homework.

All is better now!!! I just have to wait........

My hopes are very high this month... possible even more than last cycle because my lining was at 10 and we had 17 million swimmers with 90% motility! Oh yeah baby!!!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Abortions...

Apparently, according to many women, being on The Pill or hormonal birth control is the same as an abortion.

WTF?!?!

Because the pill thins the uterine lining to make it difficult/impossible, *if* you did manage to get a sperm up the extremely thick cervical fluid to the egg that *may* be there and they *did* meet... there would be no place for the *baby* to implant.

Uhhhh...no. But whatever... moving on.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Self doubt...

Right now I am seriously doubting my desire to have a baby, or be a mother at all. I think that it's weird that I would feel this way after all the TTTC we have been through(and are still going through) but I am.

Honest.

I wonder if I will be able... willing... to give up everything. I don't consider myself an overly selfish person (just the normal amount) but I am wondering if I will be able to do it.

I watched my godchildren today (boy 4, girl 1) and it got me thinking.

Am I really ready for this? Will I ever be ready for this? Is this what I really want?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Feeling hurt...

I happened to click on a link in a signature on our local board and came across the "Baby Bio"

http://tinyurl.com/6gp4ul

It made me cry... I can't believe all the pregnant women there as well as all the moms. It hurts.

I should be on there! I have tried so hard and for a long time and still am not pregnant. Not to mention that most of those pregnancies were conceived while I was TTC. There is hope, because two of them are fellow TTTCers... I'm still standing here...waiting.

(Ladies if you see this- It has NOTHING to do with you or something that you did, it's just sad for me that I am still not included on either of those lists yet).

They all joke about drinking the water and catching it, I must have been immunised against pregnancy when I was a teen or something.


********UPDATE********
OMG!!!! After this blog entry there was another post on the local board, a NEW woman looking for a place to take her IRISH TWINS....UGH!!! WTF?!?!?!? Great.... so I can't seem to get pregnant to save my life an here comes another reminder that others do it so well....two in less than a year

::hand-head::

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Changes...

I had my pre-med U/S and there were no cysts and they changed my meds. I was taking Clomid CD3-7 and 150IUs of Repronex on CD9.

I am now taking all Repronex CD3-7 for right now. I have another appointment on Monday to check the follies (I doubt that I will be ready to trigger... so that looks like I will be coming back...AGAIN....)UGH!! That's a LONG drive at 5:30 in the morning!

I'm glad that I am off work to get these appointments... I HATE calling a sub!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Round two...

So my period came %#*$!!!

I spent yesterday crying and feeling sorry for myself my friend Jack helped...(Daniels)

I had a friend over and we listened to the Wicked soundtrack and cleaned out my office(something I have been putting off... it's nice to have friends you can torture)

We were up till like 3am drinking(don't tell my RE!)

I have made my pre-med U/S on Wed @7am(UGH!) I got more suppliments and baby asprin, I'm going to take them and make sure that they are all OK to take with the other meds, and ready to get going!!

I will be starting acupuncture this cycle (don't know if I will keep it up durring our break[Nov&Dec-possibly Jan] but for this cycle I will).

"Don't wish... don't start. Wishing only wounds the heart"-Wicked

Monday, October 6, 2008

White spaces...

They are good-right?

White walls.... white shirt...white canvas....

Not so cool when they are on your HPT where that 2nd line should be.

BFN.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Boo....

Still crampy... now I have heartburn(from cleaning the baseboards and putting my head below my belly-but still)

I'm not a happy camper in this 2ww!

So I was reading Sweetpea's blog and read that she tested at 10DPO at night (like me right now)... so I tested. BFN.

I guess that I'm glad that it's out of my system... I won't test again till Monday morning.

%*@&!!!!!

Tough...

I can't believe how hard these last few days have been.... I have never felt this way during a cycle... but my hope for this one is just so high~!

I just don't know if I can wait to test... and I don't know what I will do if it's negative. I'm sure I will get up and keep trying, but my heart is in this cycle more than any other.

I don't know what the Clomid and Repronex will do to my LP-it's normally 12 days. So I can't test till 13DPO because I'm sure, that it will be at least 12 days, and I know that it will be an accurate result on the FRER ( I always hate the rationalizations "it's just too early".... you know)

Stay tuned to hear more crazy ramblings, Monday morning- 3 days

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Crampy...

Welcome October!!!

I feel yucky!!! The day of the IUI my uterus hurt all day... and then the couple days that we actually did attempt sex... my uterus hurt-like hell!!! Nobody tells you that it will hurt!

So yesterday...I started to get crampy... towards the end of the day... and it hasn't gone away : (

While I'm not excited about the crampy... maybe this is a good sign?!?!? I NEVER get this way... but I don't know if it's from the IUI or that I may be pregnant...

I have to say... that getting a progesterone test of 24.5 today, and the cramps, and DH's grandpa, and another nestie getting a BFP today... they all have my hopes WAY up : )

Monday, September 29, 2008

I want to thank...




Well.... I just don't know what to say! ::blushes::

Jaime(you may all know her as BadaBing327 or now as dolce) has awarded me the "Lights across the Web Award"

Thanks!!!

In turn I am awarding it to a few of my gals.

T.bird
Mrs. Wombat
KittyLove

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Freaky...

So we went to DH's grandma's yesterday for lunch (we do that a lot) and we were all sitting around the dinner table talking (picture Eddie Murphy in The Klumps... Oh... yeah... that's us) and the conversation was on something rather boring...

Grandpa turns to me and says "Sharra.... what are we talking about?"

I said "blah, blah, blah-whatever it was at the time"

He says "Oh.... well.. I thought that you were pregnant"

We all start to laugh and I say "no"-unfortunately

He says "oh... well you took all the wind out of my sails... I though you were pregnant"

Sorry grandpa, no (well.. not YET!!!!)

I just thought that it was weird... If I DO END UP PREGNANT this cycle- he called it (how Val says it)

That would be something!!! DH dismissed it saying that grandpa says all sorts of 'off-beat' things... but the timing of this is just too great!!! : )

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Out of town...

So... the RE's office is like 50 some miles from home and we have to take 4 freeways to get there, so when we knew that we needed to have the semen droped off by 7am that we wouldn't make it from home.

So we decided that we would get a hotel and stay the night. The Re's office is close to Disneyland so we thought about going to Downtown Disney for dinner.

We got a great hotel-The Hayatt Regency for $45!!!!http://orangecounty.hyatt.com/hyatt/hotels/index.jsp

So after comming home from work and getting ourselves and the dogs ready we left. Droped the dogs off at my Dad's on the way and headed into Orange County. Finally got there and checked in- NIIIIIIICE!!

Decided to take the free shuttle from the hotel, went downstairs and waited. It was supposed to be there in 10 minutes- either never showed or came by and didn't say the destination.... so we waited another 30 minutes. It's 8pm. AFTER we get on the buss, they say that the last pick-up was at 8:50- GREAT!!! So we had to take the round trip back to the hotel.

It's now 8:30 and we have to find somewhere to eat- STARVING!!! We saw a mexican food place around the corner... so we walk. It's expensive and up-scale, not what we were looking for. Keep walking.... decide to call Downtown Disney and see if it's not too late to get our car and drive. They close at 9:30-not enough time. Bummer.

So we continue walking and called Val to ask about places to eat. Now we are standing on the corner near our hotel thinking about where to eat. I notice there is a cop-car near by... and they are STARING at me.

I tell DH that they are, then joke "ain't gonna pull me over" because my incident last week, and... hello?!?!? we were WALKING!!!

Not one munite later- sirens and lights. YOU!

He asked us what we were doing there, wanted to know our relation, wanted to see our hotel key, and where we were from.... pulled DH away and aked him my age, then asked me- LIKE WE WERE DOING SOMETHING WRONG!!!!

Eventually let us go- I was laughing uncontrollably because it was too funny.... DH WAS GETTING PISSED!!

We finally went to dinner at Red Robbin- not what what planned, but what ever is?

Simmer down...

You ladies CRACK ME UP!!!!! LOVE YA!!!!

So... we had a GREAT time out of town for the IUI, but I will tell that story in another post (too long)

We got up at 5:45 am to get DH "ready" so to speak.....(ewwww). He had to "produce" (another ewwwww) between 6-6:30 am and it had to be drooped off by 7am.

So Afterwards I jump in the car with the cup between my boobs (thak God for those babies right now). I get to the RE and drop it off. The hotel was only 3 minutes from the office, so I went back. DH got ready for work (REALLY didn't want to leave me alone... and was very lovie).

So I go back at 8:45 am and check in(which has been a problem because they can't seem to get my benefits right-UGH!) I'm nervous as hell and they are making me wait! Bleh!!!

I go into the room and take off my pants(always a pleasure) and I wait.

The midwife comes in and shows me MY husband's sperm and ask me to hold it and keep it warm. She shows me his information and asked me to sign it-looked something like this

m/ml.... Pre-Wash..... Post-Wash
VOl....... 2ml............ 0.5
Motil......75%.............78%
Count......215.7mil.......7.86mil

Don't know what any of this means.... but oh well...

She then asks me to put my feet in the stirrups and lay back. Then she wants me to scoot down.

Well.... half naked, feet in stirrups, someone looking at your privates, while holding your husband's sperm... is already hard enough... now I have to "scoot"

I was trying and said it was difficult, and the midwife was all pissy, "it's better that you hold it, than I leave it on the counter and it get cold!".....uh...ok. I was just saying that it was tough.

She said that I may feel slight cramping...UM....NO!!!! She SHOVED the catheter in and it felt like I was being STABBED with a KNIFE!!!!! Then she shoved the plunger and put the sperm in, ripped the catheter out and some sperm cam with it- LADY!!! The point of an IUI is to put the sperm INTO the uterus!!! UGH!!!

I asked her for a copy if my husband's report (I frecking SIGNED it, I WANT a copy) and she forgot, so before she left I asked for it again. She said "well, I won't make you a copy... I have other patients to see. One of the nurses will do it"- YIKES!!!!

I didn't care WHO did it, I just wanted it done!

The remainder of the day SUCKED!!! I was bloated from the IUI and crampy... my ovaries were about to BURST and when they did that hurt as well! UGH!!

I am still eating baby spinach to thicken up the lining and pineapple to help with implantation, I refuse to give up! My gag reflex on the other hand... I wish it would quit.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Low down...

So.... I know that all of you have been wondering (all three of you- LOL) So I am going to post an update with everything... but not till I talk to Val first!! ; )

I'm tired of posting things on the Blog and having her get the information there ; /

SOOOOO.... after I talk to Val (my SIL BTW) I will update everyone- I PROMISE!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Going for it...

I got the email saying that we are proceeding with the IUI on Tuesday morning. I trigger tonight at 9:30.

I am going to do everything that I can to make sure that my lining thickens, taking everything and eating everything I can- Let's hope this works!

If by Tuesday morning they say that it's still not thick enough I am going to bold-face ask if this counts as a "treatment cycle" because I KNOW that next cycle will be the same treatment and what happens, if this happens again?!

I REFUSE to get run over and let the RE make ALL the decisions! This is my body and you work for me! WE need to do the best thing and come to an understanding. So THERE! Neiner, neiner, neiner! :: Blows a raspberry and sticks out tongue::

Work it...

So the appt showed that my right ovary is a type "a" personality it had a TON of follies!!!! There were 3 that were big enough to measure- 1 was "extra large" 1 "large" and one "small" so it looks like we will have at least one and maybe two eggs on that ovary.

The left ovary.... seems to be a type "c" personality- NO EGGS-NONE! : ( Bummer!!!
I was not ready for that! Oh well... at least there is a good response on the other side.

My lining- 5.8....not good. The RE says that it HAS TO BE over 6 to get pregnant and that they want to see no thinner than 8.5.... looks like that sucks for me.

They think I will trigger tonight and have our IUI on Tuesday morning- I hope that my lining can thicken up by then! I am eating baby spinach and looking for any other options that will help.

I'm going to ask about this cycle counting towards our 6 treatment cycles because the lining is not good- I guess Tuesday morning will tell.

::think lining dust::

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Crying...

For no "real" reason... I'm sure the meds are getting to me... but the tears just keep comming.

I wonder if I will be this emotional when I get pregnant?

Owww!!!

I took my first IM shot last night. As soon as DH got home we got everything together to do it.

I cried... I didn't want to take the shot... it wasn't the needle... it was the fact that I HAVE TO take it and the DH HAS to give it.

If I had gone into an office I would have felt better... but here at home in my kitchen... it was too much and I cried.

It hurt... not gonna lie. The needle didn't hurt as much, but the meds going in DID!! Now this morning my arm is KILLING ME!

I just hope that at tomorrows appt (7:30am) that there are some GREAT follies and the my lining looks GOOD and we are ready to trigger in the next few days. I don't want to take more Repronex and drive for more u/s.

Let's just hope that this works!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sorry officer...

So after not sleeping at all Tuesday night (thank you Clomid!) I got out of bed at 6am and went to work. The kids drove me crazy as usual and then it was time to leave. I drove from school-work and went to my student teaching seminar.

I only had 30 minutes to relax and then I had to listen to the Asst. Dean talk for two hours that did nothing but confuse me, because my program is very different than the majority of the class.

Another 30 minutes to "rest" and then my other class. My professor MUST be related to Ben Stien- "Buler?.......Buler?......Buler? So I am FINALLY released from my torture and headed home to my husband- who happen to have the afternoon off.... bummer that I was busy ALL DAY!

So as I round the last corner near my house, the green arrow that I am about to turn on goes from green.... to yellow, to red. Well... I was already though the intersection when it was yellow- I KNOW! I LOOKED!!!

::red and blue lights behind me::- CRAP!!!!!

He pulls me over for running a "red light"....::starting to cry"" FRECKIN CLOMID!!

Him- Do you know that you ran a red light?

Me- No, it was yellow when I entered the intersection and then quickly turned red.

H- It was a solid red.

M- Not really, it changed fast.

H- Have you been drinking?

M- No. ::thinking to myself that I would have LOVED to have been out drinking!

H- Is your licence suspended?

M- No.

H- Are you taking any medications?

M- Yeah, but they are prescriptions

H- What are they? Are you ok to drive while on them?

M- Yeah ::small giggle:: they are just fertility drugs

He runs off to run my licence. I don't think that he did... he didn't get back into the car. So then he comes back, asks me to get out of the car because "my eyes are glazed over"- Uhhh HELLO?!?!?! I'm on fertility drugs, haven't slept in days, I'm stressed out and am about to get another frecking ticket!

(( I got a ticket 4 days before my wedding for going 7mph over the limit, and then another one 3 days later- the day before my wedding for speeding. I WAS... I had to get to the rehearsal. I had my wedding dress on the passenger seat and my veil the cop didn't care))

So I get out and he is having me "follow the finger" and as he is like a foot away from me I meant to say "I will take a breathalyzer" and it came out all ghetto- "I'll BLOW"..... OOPS!!! I mean that I will take the test.... sorry! sorry! sorry!

He laughs... then asks if I'm "ok"... here comes the Clomid again

M- btwahahahahaha....::tears::( I think that it was the fact that a total strainer- and a good looking guy in a uniform at that- was asking if I was OK. I explained that it was the drugs making me cry and that I'm just tired.

Turns out that his wife is a sub for special education and is also getting her masters in special ed like me.

So I don't know if it was that I really didn't do anything wrong, or that he felt sorry for me being on the drugs, or that he felt like he was giving his wife a ticket. But it worked! No ticket!!

That was the first time that has ever worked!!! I always get the ticket- NICE!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Infertiles overcome...

I found out today that my mentor teacher had her baby boy on Friday at 12:30!!!!! After 2+ years of TTC and undiagnosed they are finally holding their baby!

CONGRATULATIONS to B, B, and B!!!!

I can't wait to meet the little guy!!!

Monday, September 15, 2008

Don't mix~!

So... today was my first day at work while on Clomid- Not fun!

1st night- slight insomnia
2nd day- hot flashes and bitchy(didn't sleep that night either)
3rd day(today)- hot flashes and bitchy..... let's see where we go with this.

So I TRIED to have patience with my students today.... it's a goo thing that there wasn't another adult in the room because I would have looked like a CRAZY woman!!! Hot flash-crying-hot flash-angry-hot flash- irritated... you get the picture....

Needless to say I had an "episode" in the classroom.... when two of my students were not following directions and playing with an eraser that I had told them to put away.... I walked over and took it away, and threw it across the room. "There ya go! It's out of the way now"..... while it wasn't the worst thing in the world... I should have been more prepared to handle the situation.... goal for tomorrow- more patience!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Great...

So today I have my first CD3 appt with the dildo-cam (didn't bother me at all) and the CNM looked at my ovaries and uterus. She said that my uterus is shaped normal- Whoot! That I didn't have any cycts- another whoot! And that my lining was very thin- my period is just about over (yeah... I only have like a 3 day period.... sometimes only one real day and then two days of spotting)

I said that my lining being this thin doesn't give me hope for it being think when it needs to be (you know... like the past 14 cycles... and this one coming up) and she said- yeah.

I told her that I worry with the Clomid, I won't have any lining left. She again said "yeah" and said that they would probably change my treatments next cycle, with no Clomid. That's fine... but it already doesn't look great so far for this cycle : (

We can always wait and see what it looks like on my CD12 U/S. She caught me in the hall before I left and said "Today isn't CD3 for you.... you got your period so late in the day that it is considered CD2"....

My first thought- you guys told me how to count the days wrong- They said after noon=CD1... you start before noon=CD zero.... oops.

They I said, well... that makes my lining even thinner then doesn't it? Because it is only CD2 and she said "yeah, it does"

Great... another thing to overcome.... I am just wishing that when we go for the CD12(well... I guess it's CD11 technically...whatever) appt that my lining has cooperated.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

False alarm...

F*Ck~!!

Well... looks like I will be taking all those hormones.... : (

I have to call and get my appt... but I CAN'T have my appt tomorrow... because I haven't left lesson plans for tomorrow for a sub (why not?!?!?! I KNEW that it was a possibility!!! UGH!!!)

I guess that I just thought that because I was late... that I was pregnant.

It looks like I will need to make my plans and send them to a partner-teacher and get my ass... sorry.. my vagina to the RE.

Late...

...period

Monday, September 8, 2008

Infertile day...

Today has been one of those days.... where EVERYTHING baby related makes you cry! UGH!

I was talking to a good friend of mine who is getting married in May (I'm the MOH) and was asking her if I can stay at her house the night before my CD1-3 appt.

She asked how everything is going... and I told the truth! UGH!! NOBODY but another infertile wants to hear this shit! SHUT UP YOU!!! She wanted me to talk about weddings, flowers, dresses and the like.... and here comes the bitter bitch inside that wants to talk about "me".... well.... I DON'T want to talk about me and my situation... the problem is that everyone ASKS.....

STOP ASKING!!! (except Val or other infertiles) I don't want to talk about it!! I have no willpower apparently and can't shut my mouth... so save us both the trouble and just don't ask.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Insurance...

Well.... DH and I have some good health insurance (apparently) because they are covering 6 IUIs (and everything that comes with them) and we only pay the $20 co-pay.

I know that most people don't have any coverage and for that we are blessed.

My cousin and his wife are also going through the same experience (and same health insurance too) as we are.... they are further along in the process than we are because they started trying earlier.

We were talking the other day about "what if Kaiser doesn't work out and we can't get pregnant?"... our conclusion- Switch insurances!!

You are supposed to be accepted as long as you have continuous coverage... sounds good.

Right now they are going to pay COBRA to keep their current coverage in place and ride-out the last 3 IUIs... then it's off to another provider! I can't say I blame them... DH and I plan to do the same thing!

If we don't get pregnant my next October (13 months from now- and about 28 months of TTC) we will shop around for another provider that will cover IF treatments and "try again" or possibly do IVF (Kaiser in our area doesn't even do IVF).

We know that we will never "stop trying".... but we can't afford to even think about IVF or OOP procedures right now. So.... there is a plan.... even if its just a backup... I like having it in place.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Razor blades...

Are (apparently) what 7 year-olds bring to school these days!!

AND.... the "coolest" thing to to is to tell your other students that you "will CUT them!" and "I will kill you"

Uhhhhhhh..... This is SO NOT COOL!

***Giving the latest information- Student was not "forced" to go home for the day, administrators didn't tell me anything, and she was back in my class the next morning (ugh.... so when she actually DOES hurt someone.... this is my proof that I didn't want any of this)***

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Catching up...

So.... I haven't had enough time to think let alone Blog about it. So with the 3 day holiday weekend I have some time on my hands and thought that I would catch up...

We got up at 7am so we could get to the injections class on time. We arrive and there is one other couple already there. We waited for the others to show and DH and I sat there and made some light jokes about the situation.

They gathered us all up and we headed downstairs (in silence). We all sat down and got started. We were the only ones to bring the "required" materials- Our meds, needles, paperwork and an orange. So we waited for another nurse to bring the paperwork down for those "other" people UGH!!

So we learned about the "cycle steps" and when to call and what to do. The nurse "reminded" all the couples that there is no drinking, smoking, or caffeine allowed during a treatment cycle. One of the other girls asked "is that just for the girls?... or the guys too?"

Uh.... they told us MONTHS ago that BOTH people had to be "clean"... the other husbands didn't seem to happy with that information! "It's football season!!" one husband said- LOL!!

So DH and I were the most experienced couples there.... we knew the most about our reproductive health and how to mix and give injections and when to call (did NOBODY else read the information and watch the video like they TOLD us to do?!?!?!)

So I look at my needles... no sub-q needles.... "um.... I don't have any sub-q needles" Nurse " let me see.... that's because Dr, Murray wants you to take your repronex in your arm, in the muscle"..... (nice)

So I pouted that I had to take more shots in the muscle(the HCG trigger is intramuscular) and while I did that the lady that asked if her husband was allowed to drink and smoke had a sheepish grin on her face (bitch)... then the nurse went on to talk about the HCG trigger and informed the biotch that it must be done intramuscular- Ha Ha!!!! You have to suffer too!!!

Then another woman from across the table said "I don't have any sub-q needles either" and I made the connection- weight. She was overweight and so was I, I didn't need to ask... but she did. The nurse skirted around the fact.... "um....size"... she said (and didn't want to)

So... because I'm FAT I have to take all my shots in the muscle because it absorbs better that will all that fat...bleh...

So... then we talked about what to do after the IUI- Wait 5-7 days then have your progesterone tested (pick up the supplements if necessary) then wait till 16 days after the IUI and if you have NOT got your period, you can take a HPT. If there is a + then you continue the progesterone (if necessary) and come in for 3 betas (every-other day) If there isn't a + HPT then you quit your progesterone and wait to start the cycle all over again.

Then we got to the part where the nurse told us NOT to get too excited about the + HPT because "a lot can happen".... We talked about what they will do if that happens and it was all a little much.

The good thing was that the couples in the class were very diverse (2-35+ and 2 less than 35. 2 overweight and 2 average size. One couple had a baby through the RE already and was there for #2- It was nice to know that "it's not just you and it's not your fault)

Then.... everything hit me... we are still NOT PREGNANT and we NEED this help.... UGH.... we were supposed to meet a couple for brunch-canceled. We were supposed to go to a friends BBQ-Canceled on them too. We went home to sleep.

I was so tired after a week of work that when my alarm went off.... I didn't know what day it was... so maybe my feeling down had something to do with needing sleep... but that's all I did that day.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Crazy Weekends.....

GOD... I LOVE THEM!!!

We had friends over on Friday night.... ended up staying up all night playing the Wii and talking! We played the "in bed" game where you add "in bed" to the end of your fortune cookie.... "pleasure requires company- In bed" LOL!!!!

We had breakfast at IHOP the next morning YUM!!!

Then in the HEAT (105) we decided that we NEEDED a pool- Target $9.... best nine bucks EVER!!!

We filled the pool and put it in the garage- FUN!!! Then when it got cool, we used the hose and got the water out of the water heater (ahhhhh)

Sunday spent the day in another pool (adult size) and celebrated a 1 year old's birthday.

I actually heard DH say to a friend, "maybe this time next year we will be having a baby shower at our house".... his friend said "we all hope so!"

Ahhhhh! <3

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I forgot...

What CD it was today...um.... WOW!!!!

I have not been charting and all and here we are (on what, took a lot of thinking to figure out) is CD11 and I couldn't remember it! (cool)

I guess I have that "just don't think about it" thing going on that all those "fertiles" talk about. If I don't get pregnant this month I am going to send a BIG FAT "I TOLD YOU SO" to those know-it-all bitches (even the ones that I love)

It feels good. It's easy to forget this cycle... because the reality is that next one the RE will be taking over and it's not up to me THANKS DR MURRAY!!!!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Class...

Injections that is~!~

Went well.... hit me WAY harder emotionally than I thought.

Will report more later (must exercise[more on that later too] then get some sleep- 20 seven year olds take it out of you)

<3

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Done...

I am soooo done with "trying to conceive"... I think that this month we will not chart, temp, take the supplements, time sex and all that stuff.

I will keep my CBEFM running because I only have 5 sticks left and they won't work with the Repronex and Clomid so I might as well use them..

So this month will probably be the month, because I "just relaxed"-GAG!

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Well...

It WASN'T spotting... A few hours later it was my period.

I told you I don't spot.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Spotting...

Ummmm... in the year that we have been TTC... I have NEVER spotted. I never spot after an exam, after sex, before my period-NEVER!

So... here I am on what I *think* is CD29 and 7DPO (I can't tell with my chart the way it is-I should temp the next few days)...

All I can think is WTF?!?!?!

I don't spot and here I am trying to NOT start my period so I can take my injections class and also trying to plan my pre-med ultrasound because I have to call a sub for the day.... and hello spotting UGH!!

I can only HOPE that it is implantation spotting (there is always hope.... or so I've been told)

Friday, August 1, 2008

TGIF...

It has been a LONG time since I have felt that way! Even in High School... Fridays were nothing to celebrate with football games that usually ran late and a 6am call time again Saturday mornings.

But.... here I am SCREAMING TGIF!!!

My first week as a student teacher is officially over and I can't wait to sleep, catch up, plan and actually SEE my husband (ahhhh). For the first time in our year of TTC, instead of saying "wanna have sex?" my husband said "we need to breed"..... um... LOL!!! Too funny... because that is how I felt!!! I didn't want to "make love" or "mess around" or "have sex" or "F*ck" even... breeding was the perfect term! LOL!!

On another note... It's CD 18 right now... and I haven't gotten a HIGH yet on the CBEFM.... so that means that O is at least 3 days away.... looks like I won't have to worry about getting into that injections class.... my O is doing all the work for me. ; )

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Earthquakes...

Literally..... there was a 5.4 today, about 20 miles from my work. When you grow up here in California with them... they are more fun than anything (unless they are very serious).

The most interesting thing was I had a classroom full of 7 year-olds who didn't flip out!!! It was the 1st one that they had ever felt and they remained calm and collected... well as collected you can be in the 2nd grade! LOL!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Cancer...

Has struck my family again... my paternal grandfather has terminal cancer in his right lung. And while at 92 years old, your life expectancy isn't great.... why cancer?

Couldn't he have died in his sleep instead?!?!?!?

Wasn't it enough to go through when my step-dad died from cancer?

I'm not strong enough to do all of this again... it brings back too many painful memories... I can't

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Brangelina...

Apparently has some speculation about them using IVF to get pregnant with their recently born twins. Good.for.them!

I'm glad that they were upfront and honest with the fact that she needed fertility drugs to ovulate not like some others ::cough-J Lo-cough::

While I don't think that their reps have confirmed or denied the story, I'm still proud that two of the most gorgeous parents in the world are helping to break the myth about fertility drugs and infertility.

Some blogs and info on the topic;

http://weheartangelina.com/2008/01/31/angelina-jolie-underwent-ivf/

Us Weekly
EXCLUSIVE: Actress Angelina Jolie's Twins Conceived Through In Vitro!


Forget Mother Nature – Us Weekly reports in its new issue, on newsstands now, that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt turned to fertility treatments to quickly conceive twins Knox and Vivienne.

"They conceived through in vitro fertilization," a well-placed source within their camp tells Us. "They both desperately wanted more babies soon."

The chance of having fraternal twins at Angelina's age (33) naturally is under 1 percent; with in vitro, the chances are 25 percent. Says Dr. Arthur Wisot of L.A.'s Reproductive Medical Group (who did not treat the couple), "We live in an era of reproductive freedom, so anybody can do anything they want within legal limits."

See photos of Angelina Jolie's pregnant with the twins.

The actress chose the procedure (which can cost around $12,000 a pop) so "she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of trying to get pregnant," the source tells Us. "She could just knock it out."

Indeed, Jolie has spoken about her goal to do just that.

"If we're going to have 10 kids, we'd like to raise them while we're young," she told Elle U.K. last year. Brad Pitt turns 45 on December 18.

A source adds: "They were too impatient."

Knox and Vivienne – born in Nice, France on July 12 – join the couple's adopted brood of Maddox, 6, Pax, 4, Zahara, 3, and biological daughter Shiloh, 2.

Bing...

Bada that is!!!

BadaBing327 (aka Jamie) got her BFP recently and I wanted to say CONGRATUALTIONS!!!!! You deserve it!!!

H&H9 months!!!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Mistake...

(Not TTTC related)

I feel that I have made a mistake in my career choice.... I don't think that teaching is for me...

I have had the WORST couple days overlapping with my master teacher before she goes on maternity leave (possibly Monday)... trying to do a good job as a teacher is hard enough, without having to worry about it being "her" class.... and "her" students.

I am going to be doing 100% of the work while she is gone; daily teaching, lesson planning, field trips, library, computers, homework, grading, assignments, assessments, placements, recommendations, parent conferences, administrative meetings, walking them to the bus and lunch... there is no end. It's a "real" teaching job, except for the fact that I will only get paid 1/3 of the traditional teacher's pay and that it's my "student teaching"

I have had such bad days trying to do everything "her" way and to make sure that I keep her happy.... the kids are confused as to who to listen to and what to do (so am I... it's tough understanding what to do when you don't have the time to read the materials and are reading someone else's plans.

I wonder if it's too late to change my major.......?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Apparently...

My DH (and in this instance it means damn husband) feels that I am smothering him and that he feels that he lives in a "half-way" house because he needs to keep his mind off all the things that he can't have; caffeine, alcohol, tobacco... you know- the HARD stuff!

I haven't said anything about him drinking and smoking through the entire year of TTC. The RE says that he can't do those things and he CAN have one serving of caffeine a day and a drink a week (not really anything, but it's something!)

I have a hard time sympathizing with him because all those things he can't have- I can't either! Not to mention that once I DO get pregnant, I STILL can't have... then comes nursing (because in my ideal world I want to breastfeed for as long as possible.... so when all is said and done I think I will have gone on 3 YEARS w/o all those things that "normal" people do.

Yeah buddy... I feel your pain (not)

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Ugh...

There isn't anything really wrong.... except that I am totally bitchy because I am on my period and in cycle #13. I had a very LONG day with 20 seven year-olds, I'm tired (very) because I stay up to see my DH when he gets home, instead of going to bed when I should (how am I EVER going to get my ass knocked up if I never see my husband?!?!? I guess my only chance is when I am Oing on the weekend. NICE)

I'm trying my (fat) ass off to get into an injections class BEFORE I start cycle #14, because otherwise I have to wait for cycle #15 to start Clomid+Repronex+HCG... As it stands right now, if I O on cd18 like the last couple months I am one day, yes... ONE DAY too early. The nurse said that she would make an exception if I start on Aug 14th that when I come in for the class on the 16th they could do my ultrasound. So I am taking B6 and going to use progesterone cream to make my LP just ONE day longer so that I can start on cycle #14... or I can just keep worrying about it enough that I O a few days later.... maybe.....

On a completely different note... I was in AM/PM earlier in the night, and there was a HUGE woman (pregnant and fat) getting herself the worlds BIGGEST SLURPEE! That is so nasty! I haven't had one of those since I was twelve and let me say "thank God!" because they can't be good for you! I know that I am not the best person to talk to about weight and eating healthy, but that was just ridiculous!! It made me so mad! I had my infertility goggles on and seeing a very pregnant woman getting a huge cup of sugar-watter with artificial coloring made me so jealous.

When will it be my turn?

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Accident...

In my car that is :(

I was rear-ended at a stoplight today. DH was driving and MIL was in the front seat. It was so loud that I thought that my entire rear end was gone... We were pushed into the car in front of us and they went into the car in front of them, so four cars total.

I felt bad for the guy that hit us; 18, on his way to work, goes to school full time (reminds me of me) and it was his first accident :( then his parents showed up to check on him and make sure that we were all alright (my mom has done that too)

Now the hassle is getting my front and rear ends fixed; it will be about $3,500 in damage when all is said and done because the front and rear bumpers have holes in them from the screws of the licence plates.

MIL was funny trying to get out of the car after it all happened. She was quite flustered and couldn't figure out how to unlock the door (she can't do that normally) and she was getting more and more upset that she couldn't get out. I couldn't help her being that I was in the back seat... I tried and tried... but when I finally got out she looked out the window and said "I can't get out!" and all I could do was say "I can't get you out either" because DH had taken the keys out of the ignition and I couldn't reach the lock button-Sorry ;(

Surprise!!!!

Party that is!!!!

I had no idea that it was coming. Yesterday was my birthday and DH threw a GREAT party for me. It was too much fun!!

I did have a moment.... while everyone knows that we are having TTTC... not everyone knows that I filled my Clomid, Repronex and HCG prescriptions... and before we left the house... they were on the counter.... we weren't planning on telling everyone that we will be starting treatments (see post below)... the first thing I thought after "OMG!! It's a party!!" was "where are my prescriptions?"

Couldn't find them.... dug through the trash twice and everything... just found them in a cabinet on the bottom shelf... because NOBODY could remember where they went.

That would have been an uncomfortable call to the RE!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Listen

Listen!!!

I know that it didn't take you that long to get pregnant...

And I know that I have been trying for or five times longer than you ever did...

I also know that you "just had sex" and didn't even know when your "good timing" was...

I know that you are worried that the fertility drugs will cause my husband and I to end up like John and Kate + 8 (who I love by the way)

But.... you have to respect my decision and support me, you don't have to agree with it... After all... you know more than my fertility doctor... but please... If you can't love my husband and I enough to respect that this is what we need to do to get pregnant, then we can no longer be friends.

I guess all those times I stood by and watched you make what I thought were very bad decisions, and said nothing, because I love you and want you to be happy... were in vain.

I hate to have a friendship come to an end over something that seems so trivial... but it's not. This is very important, if you can not support my decisions as I have supported yours; we're done.

This is our life and our decisions, and infertility is hard enough to deal with. I can't carry any more weight, I just can't... something has to go... so you are either with me or against me on this. (I'm hoping that you are with me... because life would be sad without you)

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Unexplained...

Explains it all when it comes to our infertility... While I'm not excited that we have no real explanation for why we are not pregnant yet, I'm glad to know that couples with "unexplained" infertility have the highest pregnancy rates.

HSG-Perfect
SA-Normal
BW-Good for both of us. My thyroid was fine but she said that she wants to monitor it more closely than my PCP because she has thyroid problems and knows how they can change and effect fertility, but my last 4 levels have all been stable and normal.
Physical exam- Good... there was no blood in either (use your imagination....yuck)

We were given the options to move right to IUI or try Clomid+Repronex+Trigger&TI and we chose the timed intercourse. I thought that when we finally got to this point that I would have been ready to jump into an IUI but, it just didn't feel right.

The RE was so nice and seemed so confident that we would get pregnant (possibly on our own before we start the Clomid)

I have to wait for August 19th(unless there is an earlier slot due to a cancelation) for my injections class.

I asked about just Clomid ans she says that the Repronex helps keep the thick uterine lining when taking it with Clomid-Cool.

So it looks like the earliest that we will begin treatments, based on my cycle history is the middle of September... We may change our minds about trying an IUI between now and then... but I doubt it.

I also thought that if we had been given an "unexplained" DX that we would continue to try on our own... but with DH's feet still hurting from the arthritis, the sooner we can get knocked up, the sooner he can resume his Enbral. I told him that his feet are more important, but he refuses to listen to me (not a shocker! LOL!! The men in his family are all like that-stubborn as a donkey!) and he won't take them because it will lessen our chances and we are still worried about birth defects.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Whew...

Well.... I never really believe those people who say that they "have been just, so busy!"... but here I am... one of them! LOL!!

I haven't even been able to Nest these past few weeks!! Bummer!!! :( I guess I will have to catch up when I get a chance, I just hope that the next few weeks slow down a little bit

Friday, June 27th-Took my little sisters to Chuck E Cheese's and they spent the night before we go back to school
Saturday- Carted the girls all over town to run errands and do crafts
Sunday- Baby shower (stayed till about 9:30pm... having fun) then went to the in law's house to replace a light and tend to the front yard for the big 4th party
Wednesday, July 2nd-Inservice all day at work/School, went to a friend's house for dinner
Thursday- Set up my classroom and got all the stuff ready for the 1st day of school, pre-4th BBQ at my cousins house
Friday- Happy 4th of July!!!
Saturday- Poker party and the UFC fight, pick up my anniversary cake top
Sunday- Celebrated our 1st Anniversary!
Monday, July 7th- 1st day of school and our actual Anniversary
Tuesday- Presentation, paper and final exam for my Masters class
Wednesday- RE appointment
Thursday- Back to school night
Friday, July 11th- My 25th birthday.... I don't think that I will do anything except sleep! LOL!!

Anniversary...

Today is our 1 year Anniversary!!! Wheeee!~!

We went to the Melting Pot last night for dinner and ate way too much food! YUM!!

I still can't believe that it's been a year already!

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Pineapple...

SUCKS!!!

I hate it... have always hated it... but I'm gonna give it a try.

I'm 2DPO and wishing that this cycle works so that we can skip this whole "needing fertility treatments" thing and just get pregnant already.

On the bright side... today at the 4th of July celebration I was sooo happy to not be huge pregnant because I would have died of that heat!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Sick...

(Warning: Sensitive Topic) Anyone ever consider giving it up for adoption?


member427

Joined 04-08-2008
Posts 31
Reply Contact
I really don't mean to offend anyone, so I hope those of you who find this topic distasteful will chose not to read further and/or accept my apologies. I'm having the hardest time deciding what to do about this pregnancy and I was hoping you guys--especially those of you who really understand severe GD--could give me some input.

I'm 30 wks along and I hate that the fetus is a girl. I never wanted a daughter and think I'd be a terrible mother to a girl b/c of my strong negative feelings. I wished with all my might for it to just go away on its own, but it hasn't and I've been miserable every day since I found out 18 wks ago. This has swept me into a full blown depression, for which I've seen a slew of doctors/therapists. I know that some of you may not approve of or understand why I'm so devistated that this is a girl or why I loathe the idea of raising a girl, but I can't just change my feelings b/c it would be easier, or convenient, or make me a better person. If we could all chose how we wanted to feel about things, it would make life a lot easier, but we can't. The issue at hand is, should I keep it and try to raise it anyway or give it up for adoption?

Some of the points on the "keeping it" side are:

It's a part of both me and DH, and has been with me for a long time now
We will still be its birth mother and father either way
I've never had a kid, so I don't know how I'll feel later. Maybe I'll learn to stop hating it one day, then like it, then maybe even love it
We've gotten this far in the pregnancy, which has been no small feat, considering everything that has gone wrong so far
We worked very hard to get pg at all and had to go through fertility treatment. It may be difficult to get pg again
Guilt, regret
DH may not want to try for more kids w/ me after this horrific experience
We could always give it up later if things don't work out well, even though it's harder that way
Some of the points of the "giving it up" side are:

Maybe it'd be better off with a mother who can love it despite (or even for) being a girl
This may alleviate a lot of the conflict/fighting in our marriage
I wouldn't feel like a bad person all the time being around it, being resentful and jealous
I wouldn't have to deal with this issue with family (they don't know I'm pg yet)
It would be harmful to her emotionally to live with a mother who never wanted her and resents that she's a girl
I'd never have to live with a girl
I wouldn't have to share my DH with another girl
We could start trying (as soon as my cycles come back) again for the son we so desperately want
This is such a difficult decision we've been wrestling with, and it seems so impossible to choose when we know so very little about how the potential outcomes will be, never having had a child. We need to make a decision soon though, so we can start making plans either way b/c we don't have all that much time left. I've been in contact with an adoption agency and birth parent counselor, but we haven't set anything into motion yet. We could always try to keep it for a while and see how it goes, but if we find out we do want to give it up, it would be a heck of a lot easier on everyone to do it at the hospital. If we do give it up at the hospital though, we only have 10 days to revoke the adoption agreement b/f it's finalized forever. It seems like the biggest decision in our lives and don't want to get it wrong, but I have no idea what to do.

A lot of people like to tell you "you'll love it once it's born" and clich├ęs like that, but I'm not like most people (evidenced by how strongly negatively I feel toward it now). I realize that most people do feel that way when it's born, but those are also generally not the same people on the farthest end of the spectrum of feeling extremely negatively toward it before it's born. I'm also concerned that since I'm in the highest risk category for having PPD--practically a shoo-in--that even if I do ever get to a point where I can bond with it and stop feeling so hateful, it may take many months, and how long can I realistically keep it on a trial basis? It may take 6, 7, 8, 9... months to turn a corner, but those are not realistic trial periods to keep it. The idea of keeping it on a temporary basis is that everyone says the only thing that could possibly change how I feel about this is to live with and take care of it for a while and see if I can start to bond with it. That's the only way to give it a shot. I don't want to make the wrong decision by procrastinating on making it and getting stuck in a situation that makes all of us miserable forever when I have the chance to do something about it now.

If we are going to keep it--even on a temporary basis--we need to start getting ready (buying equipment/supplies--we haven't bought a single baby item yet, getting it on our insurance, finding a pediatrician, figuring out maternity leave plans, finding daycare, etc), and if we're not going to keep it, we need to start the process with the adoption agency to get things arranged and settled in time.

I know many of you may think I'm a horrible person for not loving my child or considering giving it up, but I'm trying to figure out the best thing to do for everyone. I really don't want to hurt any of your feelings and I'm very sorry if this is offensive, but please remember that I'm really putting myself out there b/c I need help. I would be very grateful if you could give me any thoughts or advice based on your experiences as mothers who have dealt with GD, especially if any of you have ever considered giving up a child for adoption. Please feel free to PM me too, if you're concerned about the sensitivity of this issue. Thanks again for all the support.

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Reply to postings:

Firstly, I want to tell you guys how blown away I was by the deeply touching outpouring of support and kindness. I know all the gracious sympathy doesn't mean I'm not still a bad person for feeling so negatively about an innocent child, but the fact that you can look past that to reach out and help someone who's terrified and hurting, is beyond admirable. This forum and the women on it are truly a treasure.

To clarify a few things:

We do know with certainty that it's female from a CVS done at 12 wks (due to some of the problems we've had), which has been confirmed by a gillion u/s (again b/c of problems). Sorry I neglected to mention that, but thanks for trying to hold out some small hope for blue for me.

I'm still in therapy, but it's not doing much of anything. We've talked about my family ad nauseam, but he says that b/c I've over rationalized and emotionally detached from my feelings about why I never want a female child, and b/c these feelings have been so deeply ingrained for my whole life, that it would be extremely difficult to change them, even given a very long time frame (years, decades), if it's even possible at all. I've been through 3 social workers, 3 psychiatrists, and a psychologist, and this guy is the only one who works for us.

Yes, I'd like to remain as anonymous as possible if we give it up, but unfortunately in my state the adoption laws permit an 18 yr old full access to its adoption records (including my & DH's personal identifying information). We can't really get around that--I looked into it--b/c the documents you have to sign to legally give away custody have to include that info, which then becomes a legal part of the adoption record. The only possible loop-hole is the safe haven law, which allows a mother to relinquish custody of her child to an approved recipient such as a hospital, fire station, etc, but it has to be within 72 hrs of birth, at which point I'm not sure I'd even be out of the hospital yet--given all the problems--not to mention that wouldn't give me a chance to try and keep it for a short time and see if anything changes. You can't give it up under safe haven laws at the hospital where you gave birth b/c they have all your records, defeating the anonymity point.

I completely understand and agree with the point about a child needing love (cherishing, whatever you want to call it) in addition to the basic necessities of care (clothing, feeding, etc). That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out--whether or not I can give it that love. That's why it kind of makes sense to me to give it a little while and see if that comes with time.

Unfortunately, no I don't have family that can be there to help take care of it after birth (except DH of course) b/c they all live far away and can't take much time off work. A couple of people may be able to visit for a couple of days, but that's probably about it.

I really appreciate the comments about it being okay not to love it right away. I'm pretty sure I'm not someone who will, and it helps to feel like that's okay. Thanks.

B/c of one of the problems, my perinatologist won't let me go past 38 wks (and would prefer to deliver at 37), so we really only have 7-8 wks left to decide.

My DH has been extremely supportive throughout the entire process. He would like to keep it, as he doesn't have the strong negative feelings I do (he wanted a boy, but is okay with a girl), but he said he'd rather give it a good home by giving it to a better family than to have all of us be miserable forever. He wavers back and forth on whether it would be best to give it up at the hospital or try to keep it for a while and see how it goes. I am still afraid that he'll resent me and it will continue to cause a lot of fighting and conflict in our marriage if either he loves it and we give it up, or we keep it and I'm an awful mother. This is all so completely unfair to him and he deserves a much better wife for a mother of his children than I could ever be to this girl. I feel like I'm really letting him down and such a disappointment. I hate that I'm causing him pain and I wish there were some way I could take that all away for him.

If I've accidentally left anything out that you asked about, I'm sorry, but I'd be happy to answer other questions you may have about the situation. After all, you guys are the ones helping me. I do have a few more questions for you all, based on some of the suggestions/advice/comments in your postings. I'd really appreciate any thoughts and answers you may have.

Many of you suggested I try to keep it for a little while after it's born and see how I feel. I guess that makes sense, especially considering I've never had a kid, so I have no idea what to expect. Some of my concerns are:

Keeping it for a while may make it much harder than giving it up at the hospital on all of us if we do figure out this isn't what's best
Having the memories of her, naming her, having bought baby stuff (car seat, diapers, etc) may make it harder if we don't keep her
I don't want to lull myself in to the false belief that all the 118 things on my three page list of why I would hate having a girl will go away or not matter just b/c she's cute and kind of gender-neutral in the beginning. I mean, keeping her is a lifetime commitment after some point and I'd be signing myself up for all that misery forever. I can't just be okay w/ her while she's a baby and then start to resent and dislike her increasingly as she gets older and turns into a girl. I don't want to make such a big decision based on an overwhelming amount of hormones and emotion at birth instead of basing it on the practical reality of the situation for the rest of our lives.
How do I know how long to wait to see if I stop feeling so negatively toward her? I've heard with some moms, particularly PPD moms, it can take months. If I don't wait long enough, maybe I'm not giving it a good shot to work, but if I wait too long, it'll be so much harder on everyone and/or I might be slowly baby-stepping into a future where we'll all be miserable long-term.
What would I tell my family (currently only 2 siblings know I'm even pg) or others if I had a kid for a little while and then it was gone? No one but you guys really understands this GD thing, and I'm not comfortable sharing that with anyone else.
It might be unfair to my DH to wait to long until he gets too attached and then have to give it up. Even if I can't bond with it, he probably will be loving it.
For those of you who had trouble bonding (or took a while to bond) with your child after it was born, can you suggest any of the specific things that helped you to start to form attachment when you felt like you didn't want to? Are there things that made it worse (pitfalls to avoid)?

Is it unfair to the potential adoptive parents to start that process, knowing we might still keep it? I wouldn't want to squash any hopes, or put them through more emotional difficulty.

Are there issues I don't know about or haven't thought of that might help me with this decision/process?

Your hugs, thoughts, and prayers have made me feel so much less alone at a time when I need it the most. The encouragement and positive thoughts are invaluable to me right now. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, for the strength of your support, and for the sage wisdom of your experience.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Appointment...

The 1st one! OMG!

I was so lucky to get an appointment for about two weeks away, instead of the 6 that I thought we would have to wait.

We will go over the test results (she may look at my HSG and see a blockage or find something in my b/w-They are making me do it again because it was done over 4 months ago) and then she will prescribe a protocol.

I think that DH is very nervous... He doesn't want to stop smoking the occasional cigar and drinking the occasional beer... I can't say I blame him... I have almost had it with no caffeine, alcohol, soy, thing.... He already gave up baths that he just found out that he LOVES... we didn't have a bath tub at our old house.

I still can't believe that I haven't had caffeine in a year...

I'm scared too... while the idea of twins excites me (a little) the reality is I don't know how we would manage them.... I'm scared to be taking Clomid and all it's side effects... It looks like I will be starting work earlier than I thought and that means appointments in the morning and needing a sub, and terrible "Clomid Crazies" with twenty, seven year-olds...

I'm scared that my wanting a baby and pushing for the testing and treatment will bother DH, I'm scared to wait or slow down with TTC because I need to feel that I am doing all that I can to get pregnant.

I still see us getting pregnant, I know that it will happen... but the question is "when?" I could wait a lot longer... but that means that we will be older when we become parents.

DH said last week that "we need to step on it" because otherwise he feels that he will be too old to be a dad (his personal opinion)... It took his parents 2.5 years for him and another 2.5 for his brother... That is a long time to wait, and if I have to, I will... but that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I miss you...

Was the content of a text message that I received from my husband a couple hours ago, and it made me cry.

He has been off work for the past 5 weeks because of his feet and went back to work yesterday. I thought that him heading back to work would be a great thing because it would give me more alone time to do my homework... and now I wish he was here.

I have adapted over the weeks and was getting my assignments done just fine with him around... and now I miss him.

It made me feel good that on his way to work after only one day... he misses me. I miss him too. We have always been a couple that does everything together, but not in that annoying way. We just really like each other and want to be around one another, he really is my best friend.

I told him that we should just sell everything and 'quit' our life here and move somewhere, where we could live off our money and never have to work again and always be together... he agreed.


This was taken at my graduation for my bachelors.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Socks...

I addition to getting some baby related things... I got some 'me' related things today as well.

I got some socks... I know that it may seem odd to the average person... but to a woman having TTTC some fun an colorful socks can make your day.

When you are 85% naked, your feet in stirrups and at least one person around your nether region... you need a little coverage.

Also, I have always been very conscious of my bare feet in a person's face... while I KNOW that they are not looking at my feet...it still creeps me out.

Baby Things...

I had to go to Babies R' Us today... there are two baby showers coming up in the next few months so I figured that I would get the shopping done.

It wasn't as bad as it could have been, because I went on a Monday at 4 o'clock-Empty.

In addition to that, I was there to buy one thing for my future baby... and this is what I got. A small giraffe toy with teethers for feet and a quiet rattle in his head.


I aslo ordered this blanket




I found it on Ebay and just LOVED it! I liked that it was gender neutral as well as in contrasting colors for baby's development. It's cashmere and soooo soft!



I bought these two things to help me focus on the future, and having a child. I will be taking the giraffe with me to appointments and to have around the house. I plan on keeping the blanket close (and away from the dogs! LOL!!) for whenever I start to feel down or sad about not being pregnant I have something to hold that will remind me what I am fighting for.

Now if only I could make them smell like a baby... but in a good way!

Nervous...

I scheduled my HSG for this Wednesday (two days from now) and I am starting to get nervous.

I'm happy to know that I won't have to drive the 55 miles to the RE's office to have it done, I only have to drive 42 miles and only take two freeway's! Whoot!

DH may/not be able to go with me... but we will have to figure that out later... I had high hopes that I would get the HSG the same day as his SA, but the radiology lab only had two appointments available for me.... oh well.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Photobucket

Meme...

So I've been tagged by Jacki who seems to be my 'official blog stalker' ;)

"The Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet $10 that he could sum up his life in six words. His were- "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

My Meme:(for today.... I'm in a sad mood because cycle 12 started and my 1 year wedding anniversary is around the corner... I just thought that we would be pregnant by now)

Fairytales don't always have happy endings...

I just think about myself and my friends and I wonder if we can have it all??? If it is really possible to reach all of our goals... Just because you want something, doesn't mean that it will happen. You can give it your all, but sometime everything you've got... just isn't enough.

"Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know what you are going to get"

I'm tagging Mnkari because she is my 'Sista to the South', Bada because I remember playing a game of 'phantom babies' that almost made me pee my pants, and Ariel because she was like my 'ninja support'... She always came in silently and unexpected, knowing just what to do.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Feelings...

Aren't they a BITCH! UGH!!

So I was taking my RICA this morning (a reading competency test for teachers) and I feel my stomach start to hurt... not the "Oh... bad tacos" kind of hurt... the other kind. The kind of pain that a woman TTC doesn't want to feel on the last day of her LP. SHIT! Here in the middle of a very strict exam I get my period.

On to cycle 12-The good news is that we are having our HSG and SA in this cycle. We will be able to TTC again(although last cycle we were REALLY bad at TTA-Sex the day before ovulation is NOT TTA... but whatever.... it clearly didn't work either).

I am feeling another kind of hurt today as well... I have been feeling quite neglected by some people in my life... some more that others, but it still doesn't make me feel all that great.

I'm sure that once my fucking period goes away I won't care... but right now, all the emotions are overwhelming.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Good News...

I am so excited to say that we saw DH's DR today and she took him off the Enbral, so that means in 21 days since his last shot(was 7 days ago) he can do his SA and we can TTC again!!!!

While I am soooo excited that we can move forward with our IF testing and TTC, I am very scared that his pain will return and we will have to go back on it again. His DR didn't seem too worried about the Enbral causing birth defects, but the RE says that it will lower count and motility so they don't want to treat him while he is on it.

Bottom Line- If my DH has to take them for years... we are going to TTC through it, and the RE will have to deal with it. Hell... that's what an IUI is for!

Sooooo it looks like we will be having the SA/HSG between June 21st and 25th.

That means that we will most likely get our test results about August 10th-Depending on how quickly we can get in.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Perfect...

Well... they seem that way!

Friends of ours came over tonight, with their 22month old little girl and their 30 week baby bump.

They love each other, have jobs that they love and pay well, a beautiful house, wonderful family...They have everything! I know that there are always problems in any relationship and in life, but these two really do have it all.

The decided to have a baby and became pregnant their 1st cycle off the pill.... and with baby #2 it took only 3 cycles (from what I remember-Even if it's not 100% correct, it's at least 85%)

I want to be them.

So after they left I took my fat infertile ass upstairs to work out. We have a new elliptical that I am trying to use every-other day.

I made the mistake of watching Sex And the City- The episode where Charlotte and Harry find out that none of their eggs were viable, and she is struggling to deal with it all.

I kept getting more and more angry for her and for me....

After 35 minutes, I came downstairs and took a shot (vodka, thanks for asking). I then poured myself a very large glass of wine and headed back upstairs to the bath. I decided that my I-pod was the best form of entertainment.

About 15 minutes later DH comes in and finds me upset, and asks why. He wanted to make sure that it wasn't about him-No dear.

He said "about pregnancy?"... well... yeah actually... I'm surprised that he 'got it'.... he said "don't be sad" and went on his way.... it was a nice gesture, that he can identify and understand my feelings in that situation.

I just kept thinking.... Why can't I be perfect?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

WIC...

Why is it that the most fertile women in the world are on WIC?!?!?!


Every time I go to the grocery store, there they are! In front of me (slowing me down mind you) and they always have at least 2 kids!! Most of the time they are pregnant as well!!


There is a kid in a stroller, one walking along side (with no shoes to top it all off) and the woman is pregnant!


I just want to scream "If you are taking government assistance, STOP having children!!!"


But... common decency keeps me quiet and I ride it out. Despite the fact that I can't seem to actually get pregnant while working two jobs and going to school full time... these women accept assistance.


Get a grip! Stop having kids! Pull yourself out of your funk and get a job!!! If you can't afford your kids... maybe they should give them to someone who can!!

***Don't bother posting a comment if you disagree with my opinions or have something nasty to say-I will delete them. If you want to express your opinion-Start your own blog.***