Monday, June 30, 2008

Sick...

(Warning: Sensitive Topic) Anyone ever consider giving it up for adoption?


member427

Joined 04-08-2008
Posts 31
Reply Contact
I really don't mean to offend anyone, so I hope those of you who find this topic distasteful will chose not to read further and/or accept my apologies. I'm having the hardest time deciding what to do about this pregnancy and I was hoping you guys--especially those of you who really understand severe GD--could give me some input.

I'm 30 wks along and I hate that the fetus is a girl. I never wanted a daughter and think I'd be a terrible mother to a girl b/c of my strong negative feelings. I wished with all my might for it to just go away on its own, but it hasn't and I've been miserable every day since I found out 18 wks ago. This has swept me into a full blown depression, for which I've seen a slew of doctors/therapists. I know that some of you may not approve of or understand why I'm so devistated that this is a girl or why I loathe the idea of raising a girl, but I can't just change my feelings b/c it would be easier, or convenient, or make me a better person. If we could all chose how we wanted to feel about things, it would make life a lot easier, but we can't. The issue at hand is, should I keep it and try to raise it anyway or give it up for adoption?

Some of the points on the "keeping it" side are:

It's a part of both me and DH, and has been with me for a long time now
We will still be its birth mother and father either way
I've never had a kid, so I don't know how I'll feel later. Maybe I'll learn to stop hating it one day, then like it, then maybe even love it
We've gotten this far in the pregnancy, which has been no small feat, considering everything that has gone wrong so far
We worked very hard to get pg at all and had to go through fertility treatment. It may be difficult to get pg again
Guilt, regret
DH may not want to try for more kids w/ me after this horrific experience
We could always give it up later if things don't work out well, even though it's harder that way
Some of the points of the "giving it up" side are:

Maybe it'd be better off with a mother who can love it despite (or even for) being a girl
This may alleviate a lot of the conflict/fighting in our marriage
I wouldn't feel like a bad person all the time being around it, being resentful and jealous
I wouldn't have to deal with this issue with family (they don't know I'm pg yet)
It would be harmful to her emotionally to live with a mother who never wanted her and resents that she's a girl
I'd never have to live with a girl
I wouldn't have to share my DH with another girl
We could start trying (as soon as my cycles come back) again for the son we so desperately want
This is such a difficult decision we've been wrestling with, and it seems so impossible to choose when we know so very little about how the potential outcomes will be, never having had a child. We need to make a decision soon though, so we can start making plans either way b/c we don't have all that much time left. I've been in contact with an adoption agency and birth parent counselor, but we haven't set anything into motion yet. We could always try to keep it for a while and see how it goes, but if we find out we do want to give it up, it would be a heck of a lot easier on everyone to do it at the hospital. If we do give it up at the hospital though, we only have 10 days to revoke the adoption agreement b/f it's finalized forever. It seems like the biggest decision in our lives and don't want to get it wrong, but I have no idea what to do.

A lot of people like to tell you "you'll love it once it's born" and clich├ęs like that, but I'm not like most people (evidenced by how strongly negatively I feel toward it now). I realize that most people do feel that way when it's born, but those are also generally not the same people on the farthest end of the spectrum of feeling extremely negatively toward it before it's born. I'm also concerned that since I'm in the highest risk category for having PPD--practically a shoo-in--that even if I do ever get to a point where I can bond with it and stop feeling so hateful, it may take many months, and how long can I realistically keep it on a trial basis? It may take 6, 7, 8, 9... months to turn a corner, but those are not realistic trial periods to keep it. The idea of keeping it on a temporary basis is that everyone says the only thing that could possibly change how I feel about this is to live with and take care of it for a while and see if I can start to bond with it. That's the only way to give it a shot. I don't want to make the wrong decision by procrastinating on making it and getting stuck in a situation that makes all of us miserable forever when I have the chance to do something about it now.

If we are going to keep it--even on a temporary basis--we need to start getting ready (buying equipment/supplies--we haven't bought a single baby item yet, getting it on our insurance, finding a pediatrician, figuring out maternity leave plans, finding daycare, etc), and if we're not going to keep it, we need to start the process with the adoption agency to get things arranged and settled in time.

I know many of you may think I'm a horrible person for not loving my child or considering giving it up, but I'm trying to figure out the best thing to do for everyone. I really don't want to hurt any of your feelings and I'm very sorry if this is offensive, but please remember that I'm really putting myself out there b/c I need help. I would be very grateful if you could give me any thoughts or advice based on your experiences as mothers who have dealt with GD, especially if any of you have ever considered giving up a child for adoption. Please feel free to PM me too, if you're concerned about the sensitivity of this issue. Thanks again for all the support.

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Reply to postings:

Firstly, I want to tell you guys how blown away I was by the deeply touching outpouring of support and kindness. I know all the gracious sympathy doesn't mean I'm not still a bad person for feeling so negatively about an innocent child, but the fact that you can look past that to reach out and help someone who's terrified and hurting, is beyond admirable. This forum and the women on it are truly a treasure.

To clarify a few things:

We do know with certainty that it's female from a CVS done at 12 wks (due to some of the problems we've had), which has been confirmed by a gillion u/s (again b/c of problems). Sorry I neglected to mention that, but thanks for trying to hold out some small hope for blue for me.

I'm still in therapy, but it's not doing much of anything. We've talked about my family ad nauseam, but he says that b/c I've over rationalized and emotionally detached from my feelings about why I never want a female child, and b/c these feelings have been so deeply ingrained for my whole life, that it would be extremely difficult to change them, even given a very long time frame (years, decades), if it's even possible at all. I've been through 3 social workers, 3 psychiatrists, and a psychologist, and this guy is the only one who works for us.

Yes, I'd like to remain as anonymous as possible if we give it up, but unfortunately in my state the adoption laws permit an 18 yr old full access to its adoption records (including my & DH's personal identifying information). We can't really get around that--I looked into it--b/c the documents you have to sign to legally give away custody have to include that info, which then becomes a legal part of the adoption record. The only possible loop-hole is the safe haven law, which allows a mother to relinquish custody of her child to an approved recipient such as a hospital, fire station, etc, but it has to be within 72 hrs of birth, at which point I'm not sure I'd even be out of the hospital yet--given all the problems--not to mention that wouldn't give me a chance to try and keep it for a short time and see if anything changes. You can't give it up under safe haven laws at the hospital where you gave birth b/c they have all your records, defeating the anonymity point.

I completely understand and agree with the point about a child needing love (cherishing, whatever you want to call it) in addition to the basic necessities of care (clothing, feeding, etc). That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out--whether or not I can give it that love. That's why it kind of makes sense to me to give it a little while and see if that comes with time.

Unfortunately, no I don't have family that can be there to help take care of it after birth (except DH of course) b/c they all live far away and can't take much time off work. A couple of people may be able to visit for a couple of days, but that's probably about it.

I really appreciate the comments about it being okay not to love it right away. I'm pretty sure I'm not someone who will, and it helps to feel like that's okay. Thanks.

B/c of one of the problems, my perinatologist won't let me go past 38 wks (and would prefer to deliver at 37), so we really only have 7-8 wks left to decide.

My DH has been extremely supportive throughout the entire process. He would like to keep it, as he doesn't have the strong negative feelings I do (he wanted a boy, but is okay with a girl), but he said he'd rather give it a good home by giving it to a better family than to have all of us be miserable forever. He wavers back and forth on whether it would be best to give it up at the hospital or try to keep it for a while and see how it goes. I am still afraid that he'll resent me and it will continue to cause a lot of fighting and conflict in our marriage if either he loves it and we give it up, or we keep it and I'm an awful mother. This is all so completely unfair to him and he deserves a much better wife for a mother of his children than I could ever be to this girl. I feel like I'm really letting him down and such a disappointment. I hate that I'm causing him pain and I wish there were some way I could take that all away for him.

If I've accidentally left anything out that you asked about, I'm sorry, but I'd be happy to answer other questions you may have about the situation. After all, you guys are the ones helping me. I do have a few more questions for you all, based on some of the suggestions/advice/comments in your postings. I'd really appreciate any thoughts and answers you may have.

Many of you suggested I try to keep it for a little while after it's born and see how I feel. I guess that makes sense, especially considering I've never had a kid, so I have no idea what to expect. Some of my concerns are:

Keeping it for a while may make it much harder than giving it up at the hospital on all of us if we do figure out this isn't what's best
Having the memories of her, naming her, having bought baby stuff (car seat, diapers, etc) may make it harder if we don't keep her
I don't want to lull myself in to the false belief that all the 118 things on my three page list of why I would hate having a girl will go away or not matter just b/c she's cute and kind of gender-neutral in the beginning. I mean, keeping her is a lifetime commitment after some point and I'd be signing myself up for all that misery forever. I can't just be okay w/ her while she's a baby and then start to resent and dislike her increasingly as she gets older and turns into a girl. I don't want to make such a big decision based on an overwhelming amount of hormones and emotion at birth instead of basing it on the practical reality of the situation for the rest of our lives.
How do I know how long to wait to see if I stop feeling so negatively toward her? I've heard with some moms, particularly PPD moms, it can take months. If I don't wait long enough, maybe I'm not giving it a good shot to work, but if I wait too long, it'll be so much harder on everyone and/or I might be slowly baby-stepping into a future where we'll all be miserable long-term.
What would I tell my family (currently only 2 siblings know I'm even pg) or others if I had a kid for a little while and then it was gone? No one but you guys really understands this GD thing, and I'm not comfortable sharing that with anyone else.
It might be unfair to my DH to wait to long until he gets too attached and then have to give it up. Even if I can't bond with it, he probably will be loving it.
For those of you who had trouble bonding (or took a while to bond) with your child after it was born, can you suggest any of the specific things that helped you to start to form attachment when you felt like you didn't want to? Are there things that made it worse (pitfalls to avoid)?

Is it unfair to the potential adoptive parents to start that process, knowing we might still keep it? I wouldn't want to squash any hopes, or put them through more emotional difficulty.

Are there issues I don't know about or haven't thought of that might help me with this decision/process?

Your hugs, thoughts, and prayers have made me feel so much less alone at a time when I need it the most. The encouragement and positive thoughts are invaluable to me right now. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, for the strength of your support, and for the sage wisdom of your experience.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Appointment...

The 1st one! OMG!

I was so lucky to get an appointment for about two weeks away, instead of the 6 that I thought we would have to wait.

We will go over the test results (she may look at my HSG and see a blockage or find something in my b/w-They are making me do it again because it was done over 4 months ago) and then she will prescribe a protocol.

I think that DH is very nervous... He doesn't want to stop smoking the occasional cigar and drinking the occasional beer... I can't say I blame him... I have almost had it with no caffeine, alcohol, soy, thing.... He already gave up baths that he just found out that he LOVES... we didn't have a bath tub at our old house.

I still can't believe that I haven't had caffeine in a year...

I'm scared too... while the idea of twins excites me (a little) the reality is I don't know how we would manage them.... I'm scared to be taking Clomid and all it's side effects... It looks like I will be starting work earlier than I thought and that means appointments in the morning and needing a sub, and terrible "Clomid Crazies" with twenty, seven year-olds...

I'm scared that my wanting a baby and pushing for the testing and treatment will bother DH, I'm scared to wait or slow down with TTC because I need to feel that I am doing all that I can to get pregnant.

I still see us getting pregnant, I know that it will happen... but the question is "when?" I could wait a lot longer... but that means that we will be older when we become parents.

DH said last week that "we need to step on it" because otherwise he feels that he will be too old to be a dad (his personal opinion)... It took his parents 2.5 years for him and another 2.5 for his brother... That is a long time to wait, and if I have to, I will... but that doesn't mean that I have to like it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I miss you...

Was the content of a text message that I received from my husband a couple hours ago, and it made me cry.

He has been off work for the past 5 weeks because of his feet and went back to work yesterday. I thought that him heading back to work would be a great thing because it would give me more alone time to do my homework... and now I wish he was here.

I have adapted over the weeks and was getting my assignments done just fine with him around... and now I miss him.

It made me feel good that on his way to work after only one day... he misses me. I miss him too. We have always been a couple that does everything together, but not in that annoying way. We just really like each other and want to be around one another, he really is my best friend.

I told him that we should just sell everything and 'quit' our life here and move somewhere, where we could live off our money and never have to work again and always be together... he agreed.


This was taken at my graduation for my bachelors.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Socks...

I addition to getting some baby related things... I got some 'me' related things today as well.

I got some socks... I know that it may seem odd to the average person... but to a woman having TTTC some fun an colorful socks can make your day.

When you are 85% naked, your feet in stirrups and at least one person around your nether region... you need a little coverage.

Also, I have always been very conscious of my bare feet in a person's face... while I KNOW that they are not looking at my feet...it still creeps me out.

Baby Things...

I had to go to Babies R' Us today... there are two baby showers coming up in the next few months so I figured that I would get the shopping done.

It wasn't as bad as it could have been, because I went on a Monday at 4 o'clock-Empty.

In addition to that, I was there to buy one thing for my future baby... and this is what I got. A small giraffe toy with teethers for feet and a quiet rattle in his head.


I aslo ordered this blanket




I found it on Ebay and just LOVED it! I liked that it was gender neutral as well as in contrasting colors for baby's development. It's cashmere and soooo soft!



I bought these two things to help me focus on the future, and having a child. I will be taking the giraffe with me to appointments and to have around the house. I plan on keeping the blanket close (and away from the dogs! LOL!!) for whenever I start to feel down or sad about not being pregnant I have something to hold that will remind me what I am fighting for.

Now if only I could make them smell like a baby... but in a good way!

Nervous...

I scheduled my HSG for this Wednesday (two days from now) and I am starting to get nervous.

I'm happy to know that I won't have to drive the 55 miles to the RE's office to have it done, I only have to drive 42 miles and only take two freeway's! Whoot!

DH may/not be able to go with me... but we will have to figure that out later... I had high hopes that I would get the HSG the same day as his SA, but the radiology lab only had two appointments available for me.... oh well.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Photobucket

Meme...

So I've been tagged by Jacki who seems to be my 'official blog stalker' ;)

"The Meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I was planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous and Obscure. It's a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet $10 that he could sum up his life in six words. His were- "For Sale: baby shoes, never worn."

My Meme:(for today.... I'm in a sad mood because cycle 12 started and my 1 year wedding anniversary is around the corner... I just thought that we would be pregnant by now)

Fairytales don't always have happy endings...

I just think about myself and my friends and I wonder if we can have it all??? If it is really possible to reach all of our goals... Just because you want something, doesn't mean that it will happen. You can give it your all, but sometime everything you've got... just isn't enough.

"Life is like a box of chocolates... You never know what you are going to get"

I'm tagging Mnkari because she is my 'Sista to the South', Bada because I remember playing a game of 'phantom babies' that almost made me pee my pants, and Ariel because she was like my 'ninja support'... She always came in silently and unexpected, knowing just what to do.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Feelings...

Aren't they a BITCH! UGH!!

So I was taking my RICA this morning (a reading competency test for teachers) and I feel my stomach start to hurt... not the "Oh... bad tacos" kind of hurt... the other kind. The kind of pain that a woman TTC doesn't want to feel on the last day of her LP. SHIT! Here in the middle of a very strict exam I get my period.

On to cycle 12-The good news is that we are having our HSG and SA in this cycle. We will be able to TTC again(although last cycle we were REALLY bad at TTA-Sex the day before ovulation is NOT TTA... but whatever.... it clearly didn't work either).

I am feeling another kind of hurt today as well... I have been feeling quite neglected by some people in my life... some more that others, but it still doesn't make me feel all that great.

I'm sure that once my fucking period goes away I won't care... but right now, all the emotions are overwhelming.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Good News...

I am so excited to say that we saw DH's DR today and she took him off the Enbral, so that means in 21 days since his last shot(was 7 days ago) he can do his SA and we can TTC again!!!!

While I am soooo excited that we can move forward with our IF testing and TTC, I am very scared that his pain will return and we will have to go back on it again. His DR didn't seem too worried about the Enbral causing birth defects, but the RE says that it will lower count and motility so they don't want to treat him while he is on it.

Bottom Line- If my DH has to take them for years... we are going to TTC through it, and the RE will have to deal with it. Hell... that's what an IUI is for!

Sooooo it looks like we will be having the SA/HSG between June 21st and 25th.

That means that we will most likely get our test results about August 10th-Depending on how quickly we can get in.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Perfect...

Well... they seem that way!

Friends of ours came over tonight, with their 22month old little girl and their 30 week baby bump.

They love each other, have jobs that they love and pay well, a beautiful house, wonderful family...They have everything! I know that there are always problems in any relationship and in life, but these two really do have it all.

The decided to have a baby and became pregnant their 1st cycle off the pill.... and with baby #2 it took only 3 cycles (from what I remember-Even if it's not 100% correct, it's at least 85%)

I want to be them.

So after they left I took my fat infertile ass upstairs to work out. We have a new elliptical that I am trying to use every-other day.

I made the mistake of watching Sex And the City- The episode where Charlotte and Harry find out that none of their eggs were viable, and she is struggling to deal with it all.

I kept getting more and more angry for her and for me....

After 35 minutes, I came downstairs and took a shot (vodka, thanks for asking). I then poured myself a very large glass of wine and headed back upstairs to the bath. I decided that my I-pod was the best form of entertainment.

About 15 minutes later DH comes in and finds me upset, and asks why. He wanted to make sure that it wasn't about him-No dear.

He said "about pregnancy?"... well... yeah actually... I'm surprised that he 'got it'.... he said "don't be sad" and went on his way.... it was a nice gesture, that he can identify and understand my feelings in that situation.

I just kept thinking.... Why can't I be perfect?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

WIC...

Why is it that the most fertile women in the world are on WIC?!?!?!


Every time I go to the grocery store, there they are! In front of me (slowing me down mind you) and they always have at least 2 kids!! Most of the time they are pregnant as well!!


There is a kid in a stroller, one walking along side (with no shoes to top it all off) and the woman is pregnant!


I just want to scream "If you are taking government assistance, STOP having children!!!"


But... common decency keeps me quiet and I ride it out. Despite the fact that I can't seem to actually get pregnant while working two jobs and going to school full time... these women accept assistance.


Get a grip! Stop having kids! Pull yourself out of your funk and get a job!!! If you can't afford your kids... maybe they should give them to someone who can!!

***Don't bother posting a comment if you disagree with my opinions or have something nasty to say-I will delete them. If you want to express your opinion-Start your own blog.***

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Finally...

There are some times during TTC and pregnancy when you can use "finally" to describe your situation;

When NOT to use:

I stopped BCP in November and FINALLY got PG in February~!

I FINALLY ovulated on CD 16~!

My period Finally came on CD40~!

I gave birth at 40 weeks-FINALLY~!

After 8 hours of labor the baby FINALLY came out~!

FINALLY, I got my 1st u/s at 8 weeks~!

We FINALLY know the sex of our baby~!

After 3 months TTC I got discouraged, but we FINALLY got our BFP on cycle 4~!


When the use of FINALLY is appropriate:

We FINALLY got our BFP after 24 months of TTC~!

We got our 1st RE appointment-FINALLY, 6 weeks later~!

We FINALLY got PG on IVF#2~!

I FINALLY ovulated on CD25~!

My HCG has FINALLY reached 0~!

After months of testing we FINALLY got the results~!

I FINALLY got my insurance to cover my meds~!

After 2 m/c the DRs FINALLY know what's wrong~!

I know that you think that you have been waiting/trying/suffering/struggling/worrying for what you think has been a long time..... ask around and compaire, you haven't been at it that long.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Us...

In my experience on the boards I have met some great friends; many like me.

Below is the list of the Nesties from our TTC6+ board and their current fertility status. After an accusation from a nestie suggesting that all the women on the TTC 6+ are exadurating their inability to get pregnant.

Miss.Modular " I scanned through some sigs and most were on cycles way less than a year, so whateve!" and " I think many people have very real struggles, but i also think many (NOT EVERYONE ON HERE or ttc6 ) also freak out needlessly and go nuts if they aren't pregnant by 6 months--with no real medical issue. people post this shlt all the time"

You can't make or prove a point and be effective without data, so here it is;

AlpacaBunny – TTC since 5/07, Dx = MFI & Hypothyroid, m/c 5/08
Ams8099 – TTC #1 since 3/07 w/ MFI
annie11.08 - TTC #1 since 9/07, Dx= PCOS
arb212 – TTC #1 since 8/07, high FSH/Premature Ovarian Failure
Baby4OT – TTC #2 since 8/07, Inverted uterus
becca2325 - TTC #1 since 7/07
buenaestrella77 – TTC #1, m/c, no Dx Yet
BurkeJax – TTC #1 since 10/07, 2WW from IUI #1
Chrysallys – TTC #1 since 4/07, Dx = MFI/Dysynchronous Endometrium
Engaged_inTO - TTC #1 since 5/07, Unexplained IF
HazelEyes730 – TTC #1, Dx = Endo/Blocked Tubes, lap in June
HikerBride07 - TTC #1 since 9/07, no Dx yet, HSG on 6/2
his4evr04 - TTC #1 since 6/06, Unexplained IF, new RE appt 7/2
JackiTiger - TTC #1 since 7/07, Dx = PCOS
janelleybean – TTC #1 since 9/07
Jen&Andy06 – TTC #1 since 3/07, Dx = MFI & Endo (stage II)
Jennifer*L*923 – TTC #1 since 5/07, Dx = Endo/Hydrosalpinx
JustBoo - TTC #1 since 12/06, crazy cycles, no Dx yet
Koyn – TTC #1 since1/07
Lelly - TTC #1 since 4/07, Dx = MFI
lenloe – TTC #1 since 8/07 – B/w = normal, SA = too much semen
lrngAUS – TTC #1 since 10/07, m/c 3/08
manatee21 – TTC #1 since 5/07, appt 6/4 for next steps
mandybr – TTC #1 since 10/06, Unexplained IF
MarcyIam - TTC #1, Dx = MFI, IVF #1 starting 5/31
Matsifloxacin – TTC #1 since 10/07
Mb~zf – TTC #1 since 12/07, uterus issues
Mnkari – TTC since 4/07, cp & m/c
mmariluh - TTC #1 since 2/05
moh06MA - TTC #1 since 6/07, Dx = Endo & polyp
MrsMayT – Dx = Endo/Liquification problem(SA)
MrsO1111 – No Dx Yet, appt. 6/23
Mrs White – TTC since 3/07, Dx = Endo, PCOS, MFI
Nikki1007 – TTC since 10/07
osuraj - TTC since 6/07, Dx = ovulatory dysfunction, m/c 4/08
pmarie33 – TTC #1 since 6/07
Sharra711 – TTC #1 since 7/07, IF Testing/TTA 3 cycles
smilelari - TTC #1 since 1/07, Dx = MFI & PCOS
smittyshoney - TTC #1 since 8/07, no Dx, B/w & U/s this cycle
staycee - TTC #1 since 3/07
StaceyB930 - TTC #1 since 7/07, No Dx yet
Stacy-09/23/-06 - TTC #1 since 1/07, Dx = MFI
t.bird - TTC #1, Dx = Blocked tubes & MFI

Sunday, June 1, 2008

June Gloom...

Has gotten the best of me today... I just came back from a graduation party for a friend of mine and I'm just exhausted.

I shouldn't be tired... I got more than enough sleep... but I am.

There was a couple at the party who got PG accidentally, then got married and had their perfect 5 month old son there... I can't believe how happy they are and in such a great place in their life.

I want to be them.

I came home and have let the "I'm missing a baby" part of my heart take over and it has overwhelmed me with sadness. I just want to cry.

There really wasn't anything overtly today that is making me feel this way, but I do.

I guess it's the fact that we are in out 11th cycle TTC and a month away from our 1st wedding anniversary and we are still not pregnant yet. I knew that we would have trouble getting pregnant, but while the reality is setting in, it's starting to hurt.

I can't wait till this month is over.