(Warning: Sensitive Topic) Anyone ever consider giving it up for adoption?
member427
Joined 04-08-2008
Posts 31
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I really don't mean to offend anyone, so I hope those of you who find this topic distasteful will chose not to read further and/or accept my apologies. I'm having the hardest time deciding what to do about this pregnancy and I was hoping you guys--especially those of you who really understand severe GD--could give me some input.
I'm 30 wks along and I hate that the fetus is a girl. I never wanted a daughter and think I'd be a terrible mother to a girl b/c of my strong negative feelings. I wished with all my might for it to just go away on its own, but it hasn't and I've been miserable every day since I found out 18 wks ago. This has swept me into a full blown depression, for which I've seen a slew of doctors/therapists. I know that some of you may not approve of or understand why I'm so devistated that this is a girl or why I loathe the idea of raising a girl, but I can't just change my feelings b/c it would be easier, or convenient, or make me a better person. If we could all chose how we wanted to feel about things, it would make life a lot easier, but we can't. The issue at hand is, should I keep it and try to raise it anyway or give it up for adoption?
Some of the points on the "keeping it" side are:
It's a part of both me and DH, and has been with me for a long time now
We will still be its birth mother and father either way
I've never had a kid, so I don't know how I'll feel later. Maybe I'll learn to stop hating it one day, then like it, then maybe even love it
We've gotten this far in the pregnancy, which has been no small feat, considering everything that has gone wrong so far
We worked very hard to get pg at all and had to go through fertility treatment. It may be difficult to get pg again
Guilt, regret
DH may not want to try for more kids w/ me after this horrific experience
We could always give it up later if things don't work out well, even though it's harder that way
Some of the points of the "giving it up" side are:
Maybe it'd be better off with a mother who can love it despite (or even for) being a girl
This may alleviate a lot of the conflict/fighting in our marriage
I wouldn't feel like a bad person all the time being around it, being resentful and jealous
I wouldn't have to deal with this issue with family (they don't know I'm pg yet)
It would be harmful to her emotionally to live with a mother who never wanted her and resents that she's a girl
I'd never have to live with a girl
I wouldn't have to share my DH with another girl
We could start trying (as soon as my cycles come back) again for the son we so desperately want
This is such a difficult decision we've been wrestling with, and it seems so impossible to choose when we know so very little about how the potential outcomes will be, never having had a child. We need to make a decision soon though, so we can start making plans either way b/c we don't have all that much time left. I've been in contact with an adoption agency and birth parent counselor, but we haven't set anything into motion yet. We could always try to keep it for a while and see how it goes, but if we find out we do want to give it up, it would be a heck of a lot easier on everyone to do it at the hospital. If we do give it up at the hospital though, we only have 10 days to revoke the adoption agreement b/f it's finalized forever. It seems like the biggest decision in our lives and don't want to get it wrong, but I have no idea what to do.
A lot of people like to tell you "you'll love it once it's born" and clichés like that, but I'm not like most people (evidenced by how strongly negatively I feel toward it now). I realize that most people do feel that way when it's born, but those are also generally not the same people on the farthest end of the spectrum of feeling extremely negatively toward it before it's born. I'm also concerned that since I'm in the highest risk category for having PPD--practically a shoo-in--that even if I do ever get to a point where I can bond with it and stop feeling so hateful, it may take many months, and how long can I realistically keep it on a trial basis? It may take 6, 7, 8, 9... months to turn a corner, but those are not realistic trial periods to keep it. The idea of keeping it on a temporary basis is that everyone says the only thing that could possibly change how I feel about this is to live with and take care of it for a while and see if I can start to bond with it. That's the only way to give it a shot. I don't want to make the wrong decision by procrastinating on making it and getting stuck in a situation that makes all of us miserable forever when I have the chance to do something about it now.
If we are going to keep it--even on a temporary basis--we need to start getting ready (buying equipment/supplies--we haven't bought a single baby item yet, getting it on our insurance, finding a pediatrician, figuring out maternity leave plans, finding daycare, etc), and if we're not going to keep it, we need to start the process with the adoption agency to get things arranged and settled in time.
I know many of you may think I'm a horrible person for not loving my child or considering giving it up, but I'm trying to figure out the best thing to do for everyone. I really don't want to hurt any of your feelings and I'm very sorry if this is offensive, but please remember that I'm really putting myself out there b/c I need help. I would be very grateful if you could give me any thoughts or advice based on your experiences as mothers who have dealt with GD, especially if any of you have ever considered giving up a child for adoption. Please feel free to PM me too, if you're concerned about the sensitivity of this issue. Thanks again for all the support.
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Reply to postings:
Firstly, I want to tell you guys how blown away I was by the deeply touching outpouring of support and kindness. I know all the gracious sympathy doesn't mean I'm not still a bad person for feeling so negatively about an innocent child, but the fact that you can look past that to reach out and help someone who's terrified and hurting, is beyond admirable. This forum and the women on it are truly a treasure.
To clarify a few things:
We do know with certainty that it's female from a CVS done at 12 wks (due to some of the problems we've had), which has been confirmed by a gillion u/s (again b/c of problems). Sorry I neglected to mention that, but thanks for trying to hold out some small hope for blue for me.
I'm still in therapy, but it's not doing much of anything. We've talked about my family ad nauseam, but he says that b/c I've over rationalized and emotionally detached from my feelings about why I never want a female child, and b/c these feelings have been so deeply ingrained for my whole life, that it would be extremely difficult to change them, even given a very long time frame (years, decades), if it's even possible at all. I've been through 3 social workers, 3 psychiatrists, and a psychologist, and this guy is the only one who works for us.
Yes, I'd like to remain as anonymous as possible if we give it up, but unfortunately in my state the adoption laws permit an 18 yr old full access to its adoption records (including my & DH's personal identifying information). We can't really get around that--I looked into it--b/c the documents you have to sign to legally give away custody have to include that info, which then becomes a legal part of the adoption record. The only possible loop-hole is the safe haven law, which allows a mother to relinquish custody of her child to an approved recipient such as a hospital, fire station, etc, but it has to be within 72 hrs of birth, at which point I'm not sure I'd even be out of the hospital yet--given all the problems--not to mention that wouldn't give me a chance to try and keep it for a short time and see if anything changes. You can't give it up under safe haven laws at the hospital where you gave birth b/c they have all your records, defeating the anonymity point.
I completely understand and agree with the point about a child needing love (cherishing, whatever you want to call it) in addition to the basic necessities of care (clothing, feeding, etc). That's exactly what I'm trying to figure out--whether or not I can give it that love. That's why it kind of makes sense to me to give it a little while and see if that comes with time.
Unfortunately, no I don't have family that can be there to help take care of it after birth (except DH of course) b/c they all live far away and can't take much time off work. A couple of people may be able to visit for a couple of days, but that's probably about it.
I really appreciate the comments about it being okay not to love it right away. I'm pretty sure I'm not someone who will, and it helps to feel like that's okay. Thanks.
B/c of one of the problems, my perinatologist won't let me go past 38 wks (and would prefer to deliver at 37), so we really only have 7-8 wks left to decide.
My DH has been extremely supportive throughout the entire process. He would like to keep it, as he doesn't have the strong negative feelings I do (he wanted a boy, but is okay with a girl), but he said he'd rather give it a good home by giving it to a better family than to have all of us be miserable forever. He wavers back and forth on whether it would be best to give it up at the hospital or try to keep it for a while and see how it goes. I am still afraid that he'll resent me and it will continue to cause a lot of fighting and conflict in our marriage if either he loves it and we give it up, or we keep it and I'm an awful mother. This is all so completely unfair to him and he deserves a much better wife for a mother of his children than I could ever be to this girl. I feel like I'm really letting him down and such a disappointment. I hate that I'm causing him pain and I wish there were some way I could take that all away for him.
If I've accidentally left anything out that you asked about, I'm sorry, but I'd be happy to answer other questions you may have about the situation. After all, you guys are the ones helping me. I do have a few more questions for you all, based on some of the suggestions/advice/comments in your postings. I'd really appreciate any thoughts and answers you may have.
Many of you suggested I try to keep it for a little while after it's born and see how I feel. I guess that makes sense, especially considering I've never had a kid, so I have no idea what to expect. Some of my concerns are:
Keeping it for a while may make it much harder than giving it up at the hospital on all of us if we do figure out this isn't what's best
Having the memories of her, naming her, having bought baby stuff (car seat, diapers, etc) may make it harder if we don't keep her
I don't want to lull myself in to the false belief that all the 118 things on my three page list of why I would hate having a girl will go away or not matter just b/c she's cute and kind of gender-neutral in the beginning. I mean, keeping her is a lifetime commitment after some point and I'd be signing myself up for all that misery forever. I can't just be okay w/ her while she's a baby and then start to resent and dislike her increasingly as she gets older and turns into a girl. I don't want to make such a big decision based on an overwhelming amount of hormones and emotion at birth instead of basing it on the practical reality of the situation for the rest of our lives.
How do I know how long to wait to see if I stop feeling so negatively toward her? I've heard with some moms, particularly PPD moms, it can take months. If I don't wait long enough, maybe I'm not giving it a good shot to work, but if I wait too long, it'll be so much harder on everyone and/or I might be slowly baby-stepping into a future where we'll all be miserable long-term.
What would I tell my family (currently only 2 siblings know I'm even pg) or others if I had a kid for a little while and then it was gone? No one but you guys really understands this GD thing, and I'm not comfortable sharing that with anyone else.
It might be unfair to my DH to wait to long until he gets too attached and then have to give it up. Even if I can't bond with it, he probably will be loving it.
For those of you who had trouble bonding (or took a while to bond) with your child after it was born, can you suggest any of the specific things that helped you to start to form attachment when you felt like you didn't want to? Are there things that made it worse (pitfalls to avoid)?
Is it unfair to the potential adoptive parents to start that process, knowing we might still keep it? I wouldn't want to squash any hopes, or put them through more emotional difficulty.
Are there issues I don't know about or haven't thought of that might help me with this decision/process?
Your hugs, thoughts, and prayers have made me feel so much less alone at a time when I need it the most. The encouragement and positive thoughts are invaluable to me right now. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words, for the strength of your support, and for the sage wisdom of your experience.
we live
9 years ago
